Sunday, September 19, 2010

Upcoming hospitalization

Spencer goes into clinic tomorrow and he will be admitted into the hospital. (We say this on assumption but with the way things have been going, he's going in) It will be another two week stay, no different.

But for some reason.. I'm nervous. And I'll get to that in a second. But there has just been a lot going on this past month. Some things in which i'm keeping under wraps, so-to-speak. But it's been a very hard and looonnng month. Spencer's been struggling more than usual and it's been really hard for me to keep my sanity and patience. I keep having to tell myself that things. will. get. better. But sometimes it's just hard to stay positive. Being the fiance to a CFer comes at hardships that no other relationship will have to face - and I think we've faced most all of them this month. (With no doubts that there will be more to come!)

He's had a hard time keeping up with life. It's kind of like a never ending cycle. We're cruising a long with things going fine, and then we hit a brick wall only weeks, at most, months later and we're back to square one. This is catching up with both of us, but mostly Spence to stay positive and just keep on going no matter what. We're working with several different people to help him get better mentally, emotionally, and physically... and it's just taking so much time. Time that I have to live with.

But throughout this month he's really declined. We left the hospital with FEV1 at 41%!!!!!! That is INSANELY GREAT from what numbers he has been blowing the past year. His highest was only 36%. But they soon declined from there after leaving the hospital for various reasons. That that's so very discouraging not only to me, but to Spencer as well.

This is why I'm nervous and just REALLY not looking forward to this hospitalization....
1. I'm afraid that he's declined so much that we're not going to see numbers around 41% for a long while.. Now I could be very wrong and I pray that I am.. But it just scares me.
2. I'm tired of the hospital. We're in there every month... and it's getting old. I just want to be out of that stinkin' place for 2 or 3 months and have GOOD health.
3. I want to go to clinic just once time and him NOT be admitted and be able to go home without a worry... not be admitted like always.
4. What if it's longer than 2 weeks? we are planning a trip to Kansas 5 days after he gets out - it's important that he comes with me.. I don't think I could handle another dissapointment like that!

Idk.. it's just "the hospital". It has that ring to it in which I am becoming tired of. It just wears me out.
I want to just abandon life at home for the two weeks and stay with him there, but we have 2 animals who need care, and I know it would be nice for Spence to get some home cooked meals. There is always laundry to be done... I just can't 'live' at the hospital right now.

But then i HATE being here when he's there.. it's lonely..

But I am just going to have to suck it up... ignore all of these little pesky negative thoughts and just roll with it. Maybe this hospital stay will be a GREAT one and we'll actually have some fun.

And do some wedding planning? *cough cough* We'll see.

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