Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Emotionally rough day =/

You know those days where you just want to put life on hold, just make it stop? Thats kind of where I'm at right now.

I realize that things do get better - and it's just a short bump, but at the time it feels like things don't get better, ya know? I think a lot of it comes along with being in college - everyone in college experiences days like I am having right now.

You know, you feel completely overwhelmed, you have a 10-15 page paper do, huge test coming up, all at the same time having midterms to prepare for... and it all hits at once - no matter if you start early or not. All this is going on right now for me and i'm most definitely stressed.

See this paper I'm writing is making me to a lot of thinking. I'm supposed to be analyzing my gender role journey throughout my life. It's hard - lol. You think talking about yourself would be rather easy, but not so much for me. When your identity is being built this happens around junior high and beginning of high school. It's when you join into groups, make a lot of friends, have cliques, figure out where you belong, who you are. I realize that I am still doing some of that now - probably more than anyone else. During those crucial years - I missed out. I missed out because... I was sick. I missed most all of those years. I was at home sick. 4 hours away from home, in the hospital sick. I didn't get to construct who I was back then. I didn't get that chance. All I thought about was why me, when will I get better, is this blood test going to show I'm not getting better? I didn't have time to think about who I was, what my gender role was. I didn't get to explore myself. My parents didn't have to set certain rules, monitor the friends I hung out with... There were no rules to set, no boundaries to follow, or break. I didn't have friends... My parents didn't have to worry.

This is a chapter in my life in which I thought I closed the book and had closure with. I thought that it was just something that I wouldn't have to really analyze... I can talk about it with people, share things that happened... but when it comes back to remembering everything I missed and didn't have... Every opportunity I didn't get... It really hurts.

I didn't realize this paper was going to effect me so much emotionally. I am really struggling with it. Even though this all started 9 years ago - I am not at all ready to re-live everything I went though. It was a VERY rough time for me and I am struggling at looking back... It's a very raw subject.

I know this paper will make me stronger in the end.. I will be forced to think about things that hurt.. and sometimes that is what you need. My life in general has made me a stronger person, and this is just another chapter and point that will help me along the way.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Nikki,

    Thanks for following my blog! You seem like a strong and positive person despite all the stuff you are dealing with IBS is not an easy thing to handle and you are learning about/dating a CFer (who seems pretty tough himself.) Be peaceful and take things one day at a time. You rock beyond all reason!

    As far as blogging goes, don't pressure yourself to write. Remember this blog is for you. If other people read it that is awesome, but it might take some time figure out what you want it to be. Take your time, have some fun, add some widgets, and make it your own.

    Peaceful Things,

    Josh from Joshland.