Sunday, February 16, 2014

Grief Patterns

I have noticed, I guess, somewhat of a pattern in my grief. It seems like there are a few months out of the year where I really miss Spencer. During those months I really feel the loss and I miss him clear down to my core. It's not that I don't miss him daily, because I do, but these months he just consumes nearly every thought.

Year one it was off and on. At times I was numb, and at times I was completely exposed and vulnerable. It came in waves and was different at each moment. Year two, it really hit around December as I approached the first year mark of his death. Things got a little bit better, and then I got terribly sick and I had a rough time around March through May. It got better once I started feeling better. The rest of that second year wasn't terribly bad. I got back to 'normal' and he didn't consume my thoughts.

This year, for some reason, February has really kicked it off. I think a lot of it has to do with all the focus and time I put into writing an article about our love. (Hopefully it will be published soon and I can share with you all.) I delved into things that I haven't thought about for so long. I faced the reality of him being gone.

Then I struggled with the date that marked 26 months of him being gone, 2/11. I don't know exactly why this hit me so hard, but every time I wrote 2/11 down at work, thought about that date, or saw it on the calendar, all I could think about is "Oh, that's the day my husband died." For the most part, I have gotten well passed these monthly reminders (The 11th of the months). I hardly even think that it marks another month gone. But this month it consumed my thoughts. On the 10th every time I thought about it a lump would form in my throat and I just wanted to cry. I was pretty busy at work on the actual day so I didn't think about it all that much, but for the first 2 hours of the day it was tough.  Valentines day quickly approached and while I love the day, I hate what and who it makes me miss. It just added to how much I've been missing my husband.

And unfortunately it hasn't improved too much since then. I have been missing him constantly. Always thinking about him. Sometimes I sit here entranced in a memory of him, replaying it over, and over in my mind. I find myself wishing I could tell him something or wanting so badly to share a memory with him. Wishing that we could have went to all the places we wanted to go and that we could have done all the things that we wanted to do. Wishing I would have handled a situation a little differently or said something more to him.

I just miss him, so much. I miss what we had and what we will never get to have together. I wish there were adequate words to express how much it hurts sometimes. It doesn't often make me cry anymore, but there have been a couple times where I've been brought to tears. I'm not used to that. I don't like feeling so vulnerable. I don't like feeling so alone.

Just last night I was scrolling through my facebook and came across a post in a grief group I am part of on there (which I probably should just leave). Someone posted something saying, "I can't believe that he's gone. Forever." It stopped me in my tracks. Of course I know that Spencer is gone. Dead. But when I think of the finality of it like that, it is literally too much to bare. Maybe that's how I get through. I look at the life I have ahead of me. I think of all the amazing things that I can do with it and what all I can become because of it. I see the potential in my future because I know that I cannot change my past. I don't dwell and sit and think that wow... This is forever. I am never going to get to see my husband again in this life. I will never get to hold his hand again, lay beside him, hear him laugh, watch him breathe. I know this... but when I think of it in that way, it hurts and reduces me to tears. I wish I hadn't have seen that post. But I can't now undo what I have seen. I'm just going to try my best and not think of it in that way.

Sometimes it seems wrong, or that I am living in some kind of made up world that I don't think of the finality of his death. The forever part of things. It's like I'm just pushing aside the reality. But how else am I supposed to keep living my life if I don't do just that? I would be forever crippled by the pain of his loss if I stopped to think of that. I guess it's just whatever keeps me going. It's not that I'm ignoring the "Forever" part of things... it's just that I choose not to think about it.

There is some comfort, a lot actually, that I know there is something out there after death. I can't call myself very religious or strong in my faith right now. I don't go to church, don't read my scriptures, don't pray. I won't get into that muddy mess. But it doesn't stop me from my core belief that there is something more after we die. Will I get to see Spencer again when I die? I don't know. I can only hope that I will be reunited with him again. I can only trust and believe that I will. And sometimes that's what keeps me going.

But forever on this Earth is such a long time without him.

I miss my husband. And lately, it's almost been too much to bare.

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