Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Crisis and loneliness
I hurt so deeply inside. I feel abandoned and alone.... and oh-so very lonely. I sometimes wonder what there is for me now that one of the most important things in my life was stripped away. No, scratch that, when my life, this brand new, wonderful, imperfectly perfect life that I started to build for myself, that we were building together, was stripped away from me. I moved to Utah with everything in place. Utah was where I wanted to be. It felt like home. I could see my future clearly. In Utah. Married. Children. A successful career (in goodness knows what, but a career nonetheless). But CF and death stole that, and so much more, away from me. It leaves me feeling broken, incomplete, and lost.
The place where I moved to and fell so deeply in love with is now no longer the place it was. It carries a different meaning for me now. It doesn't hold the same place in my heart that it once did. Do I still love it here? Absolutely. It is beautiful and breathtaking. The culture is one I love. But now that I'm in this place alone, and facing the world on my own, head-on, it's somehow different and not quite as bright as it once appeared. Before this place was glistening in color, but now I see it in varying shades of grey; black and white with hints of color dispersed gradually when I feel a sense of hope, and maybe possibly, but very rarely, a feeling of completeness. My perception of this place, and my entire life, has changed, as you can imagine. The value of this place has changed quite significantly for me and it's left me at a cross roads.
It's left me to deal with a crisis. This crisis mode arose a week ago, and it's something that's hard to shake. I suddenly realize that I don't have a path. I don't have a future planned out. I don't even know the next step in this journey and that is something that I am not used to. It's something I don't handle very well. Because I am a planner. I always have a plan. I suddenly realize, with a new perspective that I no longer know what I want to do.
I no longer know what my goals and aspirations are.
I no longer know where I want to live; right now or in the future.
I don't know if I will ever find "the one" again, because to me, the kind of love that Spencer and I shared was once in a lifetime, something that will never be able to be reclaimed. Could I find a different kind of love? Of course, and chances are at 22 years old I will. But I don't ever want to feel like I'm settling for less, and that's what I'm scared it's going to feel like. You never realize the true capacity that one has to love another human being until you've loved and lost like I have. It's immeasurable. I want to have that again, but it will always be different.
I don't know if I'll ever have children. And that kills me because I desperately want to be a mother. But I don't want to be a mother to just anyones children -- I
wanted want to be a mother to his children. We were supposed to have a family together. I was supposed to be able to watch my husband grow a deep connection and bond to his children... to our children. But that was also stripped away from me, and it's something I will never be able to experience, being a parent with my husband.
My future is gone. That future is gone and I have no idea where things are heading. It terrifies me and therefore puts me into crisis mode. Before, I had a rough plan of where things were headed. Yes there were twists and turns along the way, and I knew that some things were not going to turn out as intended, but at least there was something to grasp on to. What do I have to grasp on to now? What is my reward???
I have seen firsthand that my future is so incredibly unpredictable. Anything can happen, and maybe that's what scares me the most. I know that even though I plan something out, it can change in the blink of an eye. Nothing is as it seems. Sometimes it just seems as though the world turns against you and shoves you out it's door. You see, nothing is guaranteed. One may say that I will find love again, and one may say I will be the mother that I deserve to be -- but who are you to tell me these things? You told me that a miracle would happen. You told me that he would pull through. Again I ask, you were you to tell me that? It may seem as if my fears of not finding love, or not being a mother, or not finding a successful career path that makes me happy, etc are irrational, and maybe in a sense they are -- but at the same time I think they can be validated.
Comare this to a man going through his midlife crisis. He suddenly realizes that he is at least half way done with his life. He quickly becomes aware of his own mortality. He understands that he is going to die and that life is very, very short. He thinks of all the things that he hasn't done and that he could do before his life ends. Before he comes to terms with his mortality, he enters a period of self doubt and a sense of urgency to accomplish a thousand things.... and thus begins the cycle of a crisis.
I have seen CF to it's very bitter end. I witnessed, first hand, as death took over a body so full of life. I saw death take the life of a 23 year old man who had so many dreams, goals, and aspirations that he never even got the opportunity to fulfill. It was at that time that I, myself, became fully aware of the preciousness of life. I became aware of not only my husbands mortality, but my own. I suddenly realized that life is short -- so much shorter than one thinks. I realized that, as Spencer did, I have so many things that I have left to do, yet I don't know what these things are -- but I know I have them. It was then that I entered my "midlife" crisis.... only without the 'midlife'.
And it is just now sneaking up on me after a year of being shoved to the back of my mind. The panic is now coming forward. The realizations that I once had a husband, had the chances of having children with my husband, having a goal for a career and etc are all past tense. I suddenly feel like I'm starting from square one.
I'm definitely repeating myself and so I'll stop there, but I can't state enough how much all of that scares me. How much it hurts me. It hurts me to the core. I cannot adequately put into words how panicked I feel at the thought of my future dissolving away right before my eyes.
And, dang it, I'm just so lonely.
Before I went home for Christmas to spend time with my family, I think that feeling lonely was just my new norm. I took that feeling for what it was and was living with it, because what other choice did I have. But then after being around so much, so much, love, compassion, and company from my family and one of my best friends, I came home to a stale, empty, uninviting, and cold house. And I felt the loneliness then more than ever before. And it's stayed with me this whole time. I have never craved a trip back to Kansas so badly than now.
When I ask myself the question of, "What is here in Utah for me?"..... I almost come up completely empty minded. That's such, such, a hard thing for me to realize, especially since I once had, what I thought to be, so much out here for me. And I've thought about this a lot lately. Two things immediately come to my mind. My 2 friends, The Soderborg's, and my job at ARUP. That's it. Those are two things that I would miss terribly if I were to leave Utah. I don't have many friends here, I don't even know a lot of people. I just don't have much here. As I've stated, when Spence was alive, Utah meant so much more to me. He was here. I guess I just didn't realize that Spencer is what made Utah so special in my heart. [I guess that all ties in to what I was trying to get at up above on why UT is different now ^^^]
The thought of being in Kansas right now seems so appealing to me. I want to be around my family. I miss them so much. It feels like they are the only thing that I have left. They are so special and so precious to me that it's rough to be so far away. But I cannot just up and move "home" because that's where I feel like I want to be at the present moment. I cannot keep moving back and forth -- I don't have the time or the money. Sometimes you can't always get what your heart desires, obviously. If only I could have the very best of both worlds.....
Not having someone to come home to after a 10 hour shift at work is really hard. I miss coming in the door, having our little dog right at my feet greeting me, finding my husband on the couch and going over to give him a big hug. I miss not having someone to share my day with. It gets lonely not being able to share a simple conversation with someone. And when you're too tired to start a conversation, it's just nice to have someone to curl up with and share the silence.
Ever since Sunday morning, I have had an ache deep down in my soul that I cannot even begin to wrap my head around. I feel like I say things like this a lot, but I guess the aches continues to change and intensify with time. But I woke up on Sunday morning recalling a dream that I had about Spencer. It was the most intense dream I have ever had, and probably will ever have in my life. I remember every little detail of it. I feel like it had such a deep meaning to it... it was symbolic of many things and made me relive the whole of our relationship in just a few minutes. It was deeply personal and something that I don't want to delve into right now because of the feelings it brings up and honestly just the length of it.... [I journaled about it that morning and it took up over 4 pages] but at some point I may choose to share parts of it, as I think it has a special meaning that can be taken from it.... But anyway....
This dream has left me feeling..... well it's a feeling I can't even describe. I don't even know if there is a feeling. It is like the most deep and intense sense of loneliness that I have ever felt. I was so happy to have dreamt of Spencer and actually remember it, but at the same time it has left me with a lot of questions, a lot of thoughts, and quite a bit of heartache.
This is a dream, and the feelings that accompany it, that has left me absolutely speechless, but yet I have so much to say. Have you ever felt that way? It is one of the most frustrating things. I can't even wrap my mind around everything that the dream possibly meant, and that also bothers me. I'm kind of just left with this gaping hole... I guess maybe that's the best way to describe it. As if I wasn't feeling incomplete enough, this dream has just compounded that.
I was hoping that maybe after December was over (because that was one of the toughest months I've had since his death) I would start to pull out of this funk.... but year two, so far, is nothing compared to year one of being widowed. It's been brutal and I'm finding it incredibly hard to deal with. I'm wanting to see a counselor to help me work through some of these intense thought processes I have going on, but I don't know who to contact... I don't even know where to start.
So for the time being... I guess writing is my therapy. And you all are my support. It's hard for me to reach out to people, but if you have a moment here and there throughout the next few months, and heck, really within the next year... just check up on me.
Honestly, questions such as "how are you" are difficult for me to answer. But just a "thinking of you" card, txt, or message means a lot to me. Maybe an inspiring quote. A memory of my husband. A care package. Anything like that. Anything to get me to smile because that's what I need. A reason to smile and to know that people still care, even though it's been over a year.
Asking me out to dinner or to go out and do something is GREAT for me as I'm not good at all right now with initiating and setting up things to do even though I know that I need to get out. =/ Your support means a lot to me, and I really need it. Thanks to everyone who's shown it!