I've been looking for a challenge, prompts, or topics to write about for quite awhile now. A couple of months ago I ran across this "Thirty Things" blogging idea that I really liked over at Hopes And Dreams.
I have a couple of new readers on my blog and I liked the fact that this one focused on getting to know me better. I also really liked that the questions seem pretty challenging. They require a lot of thought and reason and nearly all of them can be expanded on if I wanted to.
So what is a better time to start than at the beginning of July?! I definitely can't guarantee that I'll post every single day, but my hope is to finish it within a couple of months. I also hope that I end up getting back into the swing of blogging since I've been pretty bad at it lately.
The List:
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be an what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
As I complete the topics, I will link that topics blog back to this original post so they are all easy to find.
Have fun and let me know if you decide to join in! :)
"In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going." R. M. Drake
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
My experience
Last weekend I attended a memorial service for a wonderful woman. A woman that I am so happy to have been able to call a friend. It was such an emotional day, but if one could look past the sadness, you could see a room overflowing with love.
Saturday was a very difficult day for me as I struggled to sort through the hundreds of emotions that I was feeling all at once. We [my mom, sister, and myself] arrived a little bit late because, for some reason, my GPS led us about 20 miles astray. We were in a completely different city and in a small community. We were lost and extremely frustrated and that started a flood of emotions. I just knew we were going to miss the entire memorial and I could barely stand myself I was so upset. But thankfully we arrived in Longmont and found the church about half way through the service. I'm so grateful for that.
I walked in to her service and I don't think there was a dry eye in the church. As we were ushered to our seats, we were listening to Molly's Eulogy. He had just begun to talk about Starbright World and shortly after sitting down they mentioned Molly's beloved friendship with Spencer. My emotions got the best of me very suddenly, more suddenly than I expected, and I was doubled over in inconsolable sobs and anguish at the loss of both my soul mate and good friend. I cannot ever remember crying as hard as I did when their friendship was mentioned. It hurt me so deeply words cannot even describe. Molly and Spencerwere are so very special to me and thinking about their friendship both warms my heart and slices through it deeply at the very same time. I wish that I could talk to them both, together, about the times they shared together. In that moment I suddenly missed them more than I ever knew was possible.
I was a complete mess through the rest of the service. It was really hard for me to sit there and listen to what was being said. The love shared between Molly and her husband, Corey, really got to me. He was so right when he said most people search a lifetime to find the love that Corey and Molly shared. Spencer and I were told that countless times, and I still am to this day. Knowing that they found that love, together, is beautiful and they are so lucky they were able to share it. While they were talking about the relationship that they had, I nearly left the sanctuary. I was so overcome with grief and heartache it took everything that I could possible give to not sob so loudly. It was the first time since I lost Spencer that I really felt the need to let everything out. That I ACTUALLY had the ability to let it out, as every time before that I had tried numbness would set it. And it was the need not only to let out pent up emotions about Molls, but also about Spencer.
The emotions that were building up in my heart were was literally more than I could process. Tears sprung out from the corners of my eyes. My bottom lip and jaw trembled uncontrollably. Sobs that I was desperately trying to hold back kept escaping from my throat. My hands, legs, and really just my whole body was shaking. I couldn't open my eyes as they were stained with tears. I could hardly sit upright. Using my muscles and holding myself up was almost more than I could manage in that moment. I felt like I was going to explode. I was completely overwhelmed. I missed my husband more than ever in that moment, and I was so, so sad that my friend is no longer here.
As people smiled at me I was physically unable to smile back. I just wanted someone to take me in their arms and cry with me but at the very same time I wanted to run off and be by myself. The presence of people, whether I knew them or not, was almost too much. I was so lost and there was no understanding to be had.
I am just stunned that the emotions I experienced were so intense. I never expected them to be. That whole day I felt completely shattered, and to be honest with you, I still do. I feel like I have lost so much and it's unbearable. I don't really know how to keep on going. I know a lot of this, a lot of this, relates back to Spence. I feel like perhaps there are some feelings that I have not been able to identify or express that are lingering from Spencer's death. Maybe since things have been able to soak in from his death and the fact that it's been about a year since I've lost anyone close to me, I've had time to process things and it's given me the ability to express whatever it is that is festering in my poor, broken heart. Whatever it is, I was pretty blind sighted with the way that I felt last Saturday.
It was also so strange to me that I almost felt worse on Saturday then I did when I lost Spencer. I don't remember feeling any of those emotions until Saturday. I think part of it is because of the fact I was able to accept Spencer's decline and death and I gave him the final say as to when it was ok to let go; whereas I was not with Molly before she passed away and I wasn't able to accept anything that was happening. The loss of a friend is so, so different than the loss of a spouse. I didn't really expect it to be. I thought losing Spencer was the ultimate pain, if that makes sense. As I said, I know that Spencer's death ties into Molly's quite a bit making it a lot harder.
I don't know... last weekend was just hard. Very hard. And I'm glad that I got through it and that day is now in the past. I can't help but think about Corey, Melissa, and Lauren every single day. They are just starting the journey of missing and longing for their wife, daughter, and very best friend and I know they are feeling her loss so much more than I am.
Saturday was a very difficult day for me as I struggled to sort through the hundreds of emotions that I was feeling all at once. We [my mom, sister, and myself] arrived a little bit late because, for some reason, my GPS led us about 20 miles astray. We were in a completely different city and in a small community. We were lost and extremely frustrated and that started a flood of emotions. I just knew we were going to miss the entire memorial and I could barely stand myself I was so upset. But thankfully we arrived in Longmont and found the church about half way through the service. I'm so grateful for that.
I walked in to her service and I don't think there was a dry eye in the church. As we were ushered to our seats, we were listening to Molly's Eulogy. He had just begun to talk about Starbright World and shortly after sitting down they mentioned Molly's beloved friendship with Spencer. My emotions got the best of me very suddenly, more suddenly than I expected, and I was doubled over in inconsolable sobs and anguish at the loss of both my soul mate and good friend. I cannot ever remember crying as hard as I did when their friendship was mentioned. It hurt me so deeply words cannot even describe. Molly and Spencer
I was a complete mess through the rest of the service. It was really hard for me to sit there and listen to what was being said. The love shared between Molly and her husband, Corey, really got to me. He was so right when he said most people search a lifetime to find the love that Corey and Molly shared. Spencer and I were told that countless times, and I still am to this day. Knowing that they found that love, together, is beautiful and they are so lucky they were able to share it. While they were talking about the relationship that they had, I nearly left the sanctuary. I was so overcome with grief and heartache it took everything that I could possible give to not sob so loudly. It was the first time since I lost Spencer that I really felt the need to let everything out. That I ACTUALLY had the ability to let it out, as every time before that I had tried numbness would set it. And it was the need not only to let out pent up emotions about Molls, but also about Spencer.
The emotions that were building up in my heart were was literally more than I could process. Tears sprung out from the corners of my eyes. My bottom lip and jaw trembled uncontrollably. Sobs that I was desperately trying to hold back kept escaping from my throat. My hands, legs, and really just my whole body was shaking. I couldn't open my eyes as they were stained with tears. I could hardly sit upright. Using my muscles and holding myself up was almost more than I could manage in that moment. I felt like I was going to explode. I was completely overwhelmed. I missed my husband more than ever in that moment, and I was so, so sad that my friend is no longer here.
As people smiled at me I was physically unable to smile back. I just wanted someone to take me in their arms and cry with me but at the very same time I wanted to run off and be by myself. The presence of people, whether I knew them or not, was almost too much. I was so lost and there was no understanding to be had.
I am just stunned that the emotions I experienced were so intense. I never expected them to be. That whole day I felt completely shattered, and to be honest with you, I still do. I feel like I have lost so much and it's unbearable. I don't really know how to keep on going. I know a lot of this, a lot of this, relates back to Spence. I feel like perhaps there are some feelings that I have not been able to identify or express that are lingering from Spencer's death. Maybe since things have been able to soak in from his death and the fact that it's been about a year since I've lost anyone close to me, I've had time to process things and it's given me the ability to express whatever it is that is festering in my poor, broken heart. Whatever it is, I was pretty blind sighted with the way that I felt last Saturday.
It was also so strange to me that I almost felt worse on Saturday then I did when I lost Spencer. I don't remember feeling any of those emotions until Saturday. I think part of it is because of the fact I was able to accept Spencer's decline and death and I gave him the final say as to when it was ok to let go; whereas I was not with Molly before she passed away and I wasn't able to accept anything that was happening. The loss of a friend is so, so different than the loss of a spouse. I didn't really expect it to be. I thought losing Spencer was the ultimate pain, if that makes sense. As I said, I know that Spencer's death ties into Molly's quite a bit making it a lot harder.
I don't know... last weekend was just hard. Very hard. And I'm glad that I got through it and that day is now in the past. I can't help but think about Corey, Melissa, and Lauren every single day. They are just starting the journey of missing and longing for their wife, daughter, and very best friend and I know they are feeling her loss so much more than I am.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The hand of death
*I say the word "we" in this a lot because I was talking to a dear friend of mine today and I think I am speaking for all of us who have lost a lot of the same influential people in a short amount of time*
When you lose your husband you kinda think and hope that the worse is over. You've lost the one you love and treasure the very most. The one that you choose to spend the rest of your life with, so the worse must be over, right?
Wrong.
It has been proven to me time after time again that that is just not true. The hand of death doesn't stop just because you've been broken once before.
I've never lost a good friend until now, and the emotions and feelings I have been having are much different and more difficult to accept and express. I am much more seasoned in the area of loss than a 22 year old should ever be. I've experienced more loss in the last 2 years than I ever thought was possible. I feel kind of like an expert in the subject.
Through all the people I have lost, I have found that I unknowingly and unintentionally put up a front. I appear to be so much stronger than I really am. I look at the positives, I remain optimistic, I remain confident that I will see them once again. Around people I have the ability to be my normal bubbly self. I walk around telling myself things are okay, that I have to much to be thankful for and that I will be okay. I do my best to not express any sadness what-so-ever. I would almost convince myself that everything was okay even though my whole world was shattering around me. I realized several months ago that the only change that happens when my strong front is up, is that with each person I lose, the more light I lose, the duller my eyes get, the weaker my smile gets. Only those close to me recognize these signs of hurt and the signs that I am breaking down. Through all the losses I have become a lot more numb to loss. I experience sadness, but none as deep as what I did when my Spencer passed away. When I'm by myself and I am actually able to put my strong front down, the numbness sets in and I'm unable to cry, get angry, be sad.
But through this loss of my dear friend, most of the above has went out the window. That strong front is getting so much weaker and I am unable to convince myself that everything is okay. I can't look at the positive, I can't be optimistic, and I certainly am not longer certain that I will see the ones I love again. When I'm in public and trying to keep it together, on the inside I am crying out in pain, wishing anyone who saw me would understand the inner turmoil I'm going through.
I'm not certain that this will make sense to you, but half of me feels numb while half of me is feeling every single thing that I could possibly feel. Losing Molly has kind of pushed me over the edge. The part of me that feels numb, I think is in part disbelief that this happened. We all knew it was coming. I knew for several days and in all those days I have been incredibly angry. But the part that is feeling every single thing that I could feel.... well it is just too big to even begin to sort through the emotions and piece them together. It's too big to be able to express, in writing or in words.
With every loss that we experience, the more we continue to be broken down; The more tired we become; The more we tend to bottle it in, whether we mean to or not, because it all added together becomes way too much to process; The more we become afraid to express the hurt that we feel because we are terrified that the hurt will never stop, that the tears won't stop when they start; The more afraid we are to start the process because we know how much it hurt from the previous loss and we know it will be even worse this time.
With every loss that happens, the more vulnerable we become.
And because I am vulnerable? I am feeling completely 100% broken and shattered. More-so thank any other time. There is too much going on in my mind and in my heart and I almost feel like I can't be in my own skin right now. Because I am vulnerable I am experiencing emotions from my past that I have dealt with and moved on from and those chronic emotions that are now only temporary, only coming and going every once in awhile. Emotions come flooding back that I forgot were even possible.
I'm naturally really missing Spencer all over again. I want him here for comfort. My emotions for my husband are very high right now. Molly and Spencer were best friends and shared a lot of memories together. It really hurts me that I feel like I've lost another part of Spencer. I have lost memories of Spencer. A connection to Spencer that I no longer have. I am so thankful that I spent time with Molls last summer and heard some of her memories of my husband. I will cherish them even more now that she's gone.
I am so, so heartbroken because of the empathy I have for Molly's new husband. I'm so sad for her family. I'm now understanding some of the feelings Spencer's friends went through when he passed away. The helplessness. The anger. The hurt. It's all different when you lose a friend compared to when you lose a spouse. I didn't expect it to be.
We continue to add to the number of people that we need to grieve. It makes it so hard to even start the process because we know how much more time it is going to add onto the process as a whole. I know that Molly's loss is going to tack on a significant amount of time to my grieving. For me, I am finally starting to get to a good spot in my healing journey with the loss of Spencer. But with that, I am noticing the loss of my mother-in-law more, my grandma more, and my grandpa a little bit more. I am just now starting to grieve their loss. It's been 18 months since I lost my husband. I'm just NOW getting to that point. I still have 3 other people to grieve.... and now 4. It seems like a never ending process. This loss has really thrown me for a loop. Every loss I experience the more complicated my grieving process becomes. Each and every time things get harder.
For some reason losing Molly has me questioning every single thing I once believed -- and that's really hard for me to swallow. Before I was very firm in my belief that I was going to see Spencer again. We were going to live eternity together. I guess what other choice did I have but to believe that? I needed that comfort and that reassurance. That through the heartache and pain I was experiencing there would be a reward in the end. There have been several times where I have briefly questioned my beliefs... My belief in the afterlife and even my belief in a higher power. But I was always able to recover and dismiss those thoughts very quickly. It hurt to much to think that I'll never see my husband again. But with Molly being gone I feel like I have lost all of my faith. How can this happen AGAIN. Why does this happen so often. I am so ANGRY that this has happened. I am torn between whether to believe Spencer and Molly are together, or whether to dismiss that idea and wonder if we will all be reunited again. It's a very, very hard thing to think about. Right now I'm just going with it because I don't have the strength to try and correct it and work through it.
People say to give it time. Time will heal you. With time things will get better, easier. But as a good friend put it today, "That's the one thing I feel like we don't have. [Time] is what we keep losing to." I can't express that any better then she did. When I have now lost 6 very close people whom I love very much in less than 2 years.... I feel like I am rushing against the clock. Our concept of time has completely changed and it's very hard to alter it back to the way it once was.
And with so many losses in such a short amount of time.... it makes one question who is going to be next and when is it going to happen. I mean how much time do we really have with one another? It's an awful thing to think, and a thought that I hate, but it's too hard to get it out of my mind whether I want to or not. I think of our close knit group, all of us living with chronic illnesses. We're more susceptible to death (I guess you could say) and it's scary to think about who might be next. You think that it's finally done now, at least for awhile -- but then life is cruel and steals another one away. I know for a fact that thought gets a little bit better the further out from a loss that you get, but it's a hard thought to live with.
I don't know how to end this. I have no words of advice for my friends experiencing her loss. I have no words of encouragement or hope. I am completely broken and I'm struggling to hold it all together. I am glad I have a close knit group of friends who understand most everything expressed above. Talking out things with one of them was extremely helpful for me to sort through a couple of my thoughts.
If I know anything, I know this -- I feel an overwhelming need to tell those I care about and love just how much they mean to me. It's so important to let them know, and often. I hope to be able to make more of an effort to do just that.
When you lose your husband you kinda think and hope that the worse is over. You've lost the one you love and treasure the very most. The one that you choose to spend the rest of your life with, so the worse must be over, right?
Wrong.
It has been proven to me time after time again that that is just not true. The hand of death doesn't stop just because you've been broken once before.
I've never lost a good friend until now, and the emotions and feelings I have been having are much different and more difficult to accept and express. I am much more seasoned in the area of loss than a 22 year old should ever be. I've experienced more loss in the last 2 years than I ever thought was possible. I feel kind of like an expert in the subject.
Through all the people I have lost, I have found that I unknowingly and unintentionally put up a front. I appear to be so much stronger than I really am. I look at the positives, I remain optimistic, I remain confident that I will see them once again. Around people I have the ability to be my normal bubbly self. I walk around telling myself things are okay, that I have to much to be thankful for and that I will be okay. I do my best to not express any sadness what-so-ever. I would almost convince myself that everything was okay even though my whole world was shattering around me. I realized several months ago that the only change that happens when my strong front is up, is that with each person I lose, the more light I lose, the duller my eyes get, the weaker my smile gets. Only those close to me recognize these signs of hurt and the signs that I am breaking down. Through all the losses I have become a lot more numb to loss. I experience sadness, but none as deep as what I did when my Spencer passed away. When I'm by myself and I am actually able to put my strong front down, the numbness sets in and I'm unable to cry, get angry, be sad.
But through this loss of my dear friend, most of the above has went out the window. That strong front is getting so much weaker and I am unable to convince myself that everything is okay. I can't look at the positive, I can't be optimistic, and I certainly am not longer certain that I will see the ones I love again. When I'm in public and trying to keep it together, on the inside I am crying out in pain, wishing anyone who saw me would understand the inner turmoil I'm going through.
I'm not certain that this will make sense to you, but half of me feels numb while half of me is feeling every single thing that I could possibly feel. Losing Molly has kind of pushed me over the edge. The part of me that feels numb, I think is in part disbelief that this happened. We all knew it was coming. I knew for several days and in all those days I have been incredibly angry. But the part that is feeling every single thing that I could feel.... well it is just too big to even begin to sort through the emotions and piece them together. It's too big to be able to express, in writing or in words.
With every loss that we experience, the more we continue to be broken down; The more tired we become; The more we tend to bottle it in, whether we mean to or not, because it all added together becomes way too much to process; The more we become afraid to express the hurt that we feel because we are terrified that the hurt will never stop, that the tears won't stop when they start; The more afraid we are to start the process because we know how much it hurt from the previous loss and we know it will be even worse this time.
With every loss that happens, the more vulnerable we become.
And because I am vulnerable? I am feeling completely 100% broken and shattered. More-so thank any other time. There is too much going on in my mind and in my heart and I almost feel like I can't be in my own skin right now. Because I am vulnerable I am experiencing emotions from my past that I have dealt with and moved on from and those chronic emotions that are now only temporary, only coming and going every once in awhile. Emotions come flooding back that I forgot were even possible.
I'm naturally really missing Spencer all over again. I want him here for comfort. My emotions for my husband are very high right now. Molly and Spencer were best friends and shared a lot of memories together. It really hurts me that I feel like I've lost another part of Spencer. I have lost memories of Spencer. A connection to Spencer that I no longer have. I am so thankful that I spent time with Molls last summer and heard some of her memories of my husband. I will cherish them even more now that she's gone.
I am so, so heartbroken because of the empathy I have for Molly's new husband. I'm so sad for her family. I'm now understanding some of the feelings Spencer's friends went through when he passed away. The helplessness. The anger. The hurt. It's all different when you lose a friend compared to when you lose a spouse. I didn't expect it to be.
We continue to add to the number of people that we need to grieve. It makes it so hard to even start the process because we know how much more time it is going to add onto the process as a whole. I know that Molly's loss is going to tack on a significant amount of time to my grieving. For me, I am finally starting to get to a good spot in my healing journey with the loss of Spencer. But with that, I am noticing the loss of my mother-in-law more, my grandma more, and my grandpa a little bit more. I am just now starting to grieve their loss. It's been 18 months since I lost my husband. I'm just NOW getting to that point. I still have 3 other people to grieve.... and now 4. It seems like a never ending process. This loss has really thrown me for a loop. Every loss I experience the more complicated my grieving process becomes. Each and every time things get harder.
For some reason losing Molly has me questioning every single thing I once believed -- and that's really hard for me to swallow. Before I was very firm in my belief that I was going to see Spencer again. We were going to live eternity together. I guess what other choice did I have but to believe that? I needed that comfort and that reassurance. That through the heartache and pain I was experiencing there would be a reward in the end. There have been several times where I have briefly questioned my beliefs... My belief in the afterlife and even my belief in a higher power. But I was always able to recover and dismiss those thoughts very quickly. It hurt to much to think that I'll never see my husband again. But with Molly being gone I feel like I have lost all of my faith. How can this happen AGAIN. Why does this happen so often. I am so ANGRY that this has happened. I am torn between whether to believe Spencer and Molly are together, or whether to dismiss that idea and wonder if we will all be reunited again. It's a very, very hard thing to think about. Right now I'm just going with it because I don't have the strength to try and correct it and work through it.
People say to give it time. Time will heal you. With time things will get better, easier. But as a good friend put it today, "That's the one thing I feel like we don't have. [Time] is what we keep losing to." I can't express that any better then she did. When I have now lost 6 very close people whom I love very much in less than 2 years.... I feel like I am rushing against the clock. Our concept of time has completely changed and it's very hard to alter it back to the way it once was.
And with so many losses in such a short amount of time.... it makes one question who is going to be next and when is it going to happen. I mean how much time do we really have with one another? It's an awful thing to think, and a thought that I hate, but it's too hard to get it out of my mind whether I want to or not. I think of our close knit group, all of us living with chronic illnesses. We're more susceptible to death (I guess you could say) and it's scary to think about who might be next. You think that it's finally done now, at least for awhile -- but then life is cruel and steals another one away. I know for a fact that thought gets a little bit better the further out from a loss that you get, but it's a hard thought to live with.
I don't know how to end this. I have no words of advice for my friends experiencing her loss. I have no words of encouragement or hope. I am completely broken and I'm struggling to hold it all together. I am glad I have a close knit group of friends who understand most everything expressed above. Talking out things with one of them was extremely helpful for me to sort through a couple of my thoughts.
If I know anything, I know this -- I feel an overwhelming need to tell those I care about and love just how much they mean to me. It's so important to let them know, and often. I hope to be able to make more of an effort to do just that.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Pinter Moments
A Pinter Moment
Where everything is said in silence because the emotion behind what we really want to say is just too overwhelming to form into words....
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| Spencer with Nacho in ICU a few days before he passed away |
Saturday, May 11, 2013
My Enjoyment
In light of all the crap that's going on with my health and my financial situation, I wanted to focus on some of the more fun things that I've been enjoying lately!!
Eclipse Covers
There has not been a song that Eclipse has covered that I haven't liked just as well as, if not more than, the original!! I am impressed and I love me some A Cappella!!
TV Shows
Spring Thunderstorms
Eclipse Covers
There has not been a song that Eclipse has covered that I haven't liked just as well as, if not more than, the original!! I am impressed and I love me some A Cappella!!
Reading
I fell in love with this memoir of a young couple striving to enjoy life the best that they can despite the knowledge that Liz's husband, Steven, has Cystic Fibrosis. I laughed, I cried, and I related. A review of this book will be coming in a future blog post =) I've started on it, just haven't finished.
I have always loved Jodi Picoult! The last book I read of hers was "The Pact" and I knew that it'd be hard to top, I got hooked! This one has started out a little bit slower for me, but I'm quickly getting drawn in and I'm anxious to see what happens!
TV Shows
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| [Image from here] |
I can't get enough of this show! I discovered it on Netflix and each and every episode makes me laugh more than once! Give it a shot!! :)
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| [Image from here] |
My sister has gotten me addicted to The Walking Dead! I am about ready to watch season three with her when we get back to Kansas, but I am itching to know what on earth is going to happen. There is so much going on I can hardly wrap my mind around it!! I didn't think I'd like it at first, but after staying up into the wee hours in the morning watching it with my sis, I'm hooked!
The Spring Colors
This tree outside of the condo complex has the prettiest pink! It didn't last for long, though. It's now mostly green with leaves!
I went and walked around temple square for a short while. The flowers there are beautiful and I couldn't get enough of them!!
This is one of the first rainbows I've ever seen that I could actually see each color that you're supposed to. You can't quite tell it from this picture, but it was so bright! As it continued to rain another rainbow appeared right above it.
Riddle Game Nights
I've only played Mexican Train with them once, but it was a lot of fun! David, Heber, and I outlasted everyone, and to my memory, I won! :)
The standard game for game nights with my brothers is Settlers Of Catan. This is the last time we played... Super settlers! We combined two sets and played a massive game which turned out to be a lot of fun!!!
I've had a lot of time on my hands since I've been so sick lately, and these are just a few of the things that I've been enjoying. I've also spent some time with my friends Adam and Christine playing the Wii, board games, and having a BBQ. Mary and I have had a lot of fun eating pie at Village Inn for our designated "Pie Day". I've spent a ton of time trying to re-do the RiddleOfCF website to incorporate the new logo. And I've also spent tons of time resting and sleeping and trying to get through each and every day.
I'm trying to get everything that I want to do done before I move. Proving to be a challenge but I hope I'm able to see everyone and cross a few things off my list within this last week that I'm here =)
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Slowly creeping back
Depression.
It's not a new word, diagnosis, or concept for me. I was diagnosed with it back when I was a freshman in high school and have battled with it off and on since then. It's not new to my family as many of my family members have been diagnosed with it, and the ones who haven't I am nearly certain have it at least mildly. For about the last 4 years I've been great and I haven't needed to take any medication for it.
The depression kindly took a seat in the back and hushed up, allowing me to be me and to enjoy my life and everything in it. But since I've been continually sick for nearly 5 months now, I feel it creeping back and I can quickly say it is not welcome.
It's very, very common to have depression with a chronic illness. Being sick for multiple months, and even years; experiencing pain all of the time; not being able to do what you wish to do; being stuck inside because of how you feel; being worried about your current condition, let alone your future.... all of these things quickly build up and leave you feeling a bit hopeless, sad, helpless and angry, even.
Because depression is very familiar to me, I know the signs and when it's starting to take over and I think now is one of those times. Surprisingly after Spencer passed away (and all the other deaths I dealt with within that same year) I never found myself falling into a depression like I expected. I coped with it fairly well and was able to keep my head above water. I had the typical grief that you would expect and that many think is depression, but really grief is completely different and only mimics it.
Through the first couple of months being sick with my IBD this year I was doing okay. I was hopeful, optimistic, and was determined to get better quickly and return to my life. But things continued to get worse and worse, and finally when it started to get a tad bit better, it wasn't getting better fast enough. I experienced several set backs, hard truths, and then the sudden painful decisions of having to quit my job, needing so much help from others, and once again uprooting myself and moving back closer to my family.
For awhile I thought I was doing okay with everything that was going on. Yes it's been hard and sad but I was trying to look at everything as an improvement for me and as an opportunity for better things and my future. But about 3 weeks ago I've slowly started to look at things in a different way. I'm disappointed more, I cry a lot more often (and not only cry, but sob), and I just can't quite see the end in sight. Even if I'm making small improvements I'm disappointed and really upset that they aren't bigger.
Then on top of my outlook on things changing, I'm stressed with my financial situation, the medical bills. I'm worried about where I am going to live, what I'm going to do for insurance, how I'm going to get a job and when I'll be able to start working again. I'm stressed because I don't have a plan and I always have a plan. I like to know exactly what is going to happen and when. But right now everything is completely unpredictable and I just have to take things day by day.
Being back in Utah I think has exacerbated the depression that was looming over me before. I had plans to be back for about 3-4 weeks to get things finished up with my doctors out here and getting my care transferred, spending time with friends, packing things up and etc. I told myself that in the down time I had I would do some crafts, sew a lot. I had plans to get a lot of things done for an Etsy shop my sister and I want to start. But unfortunately I am not able to do anything like that because something has been going on with my right (dominate) hand where it's hard to grip things and do tedious tasks. I'm not able to do things with polymer clay like I wanted, cutting and pinning the fabric is too time consuming and frustrating, can't hold the needle to cross stitch, my hand gets too tired if I hold a paintbrush too long, I can't color or write for very long because it exhausts my hand. It's been really frustrating because these were the things I was going to do to keep busy.
So I'm really upset I can't do much at home aside from read and spend time on my computer, which gets kind of mundane. I want to go out and do things! But then when I do I get really tired, very quickly. My stamina still hasn't built back up. I go out for an hour or so and when I come home I want to do nothing but lay down and sleep the rest of the day. That gets really frustrating because if I go out and enjoy myself and the sunshine, I am not up to cooking or cleaning up my mess, but I know I need to eat. So I've been relying a lot upon quick foods that aren't really healthy for me and cost a lot more than making a meal.
These things just prove to me more that I can't be on my own for extended periods of time and I really need to move back to be near my family so they can help me. Also frustrating because I want to be independent and I hate having to rely on others for help. I just feel so trapped.
I have been fearing that the medication that I'm on for the study (Methotrexate) is not really helping me. I had my fears mostly confirmed during a study visit on Wednesday. It's one thing when you think something yourself, but it's another to hear your doctor express the same concerns. I was talking to my GI about how frustrated I am becoming because I am not feeling wonderful, still. I'm still super tired, I still have pain when I eat. I'm just not bouncing back as quickly as I thought I would. He frowned, shook his head, looked and me and told me that he agreed. He said, "You know, I really thought you would bounce back quicker as well". Throughout the visit he said that he doubts I'll be able to get through week 16 of the study (the week I need to get to for any of this to count and help the study out... after week 16 it's the maintenance phase where you either get the med or a placebo). My GI thinks it's the steroid, Uceris, that is helping me and once I start to ween off that (I have to be off by week 12 I think) he thinks I'm going to end up relapsing and getting sick which would disqualify me for the rest of the study. So once again I am pretty sure I'm going to have to find a new treatment. The next step that my current GI wanted to take was going on Humira. I've been on this before and was less than impressed. I didn't feel like it helped me. But I'm willing to try it again because I don't have options left. Just repeating previous medicines and hoping that for some reason this time they actually work. Last ditch option is surgery and we want to avoid that at all costs. Ugh.
Just everything as a whole is getting to me. I'm really, really missing my family again. I need their help and support. I need a shoulder to cry and lean on.
I'm ready to get back on my Zoloft so that I can start to feel like myself again and have some positive thoughts go through my mind. I need it so I can cope and deal a little bit better knowing that I still have a long road ahead of me to hopefully get into remission again. I need to believe that this will happen!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
He's still alive through pics, videos, and moments that take our breath away
Today overall hasn't been too bad, but I've had some moments that pulled at my heart strings. I've thought of memories of Spencer and I, and I've had some moments of complete disbelief that he's gone. That he's really, truly gone. Those feelings of disbelief, though very rare, are so powerful! They come about as quickly as they go.
On the 1st anniversary of Spencer's death my best friends gave me a small angel wings charm that fits in your pocket or onto a key chain.
It meant a great deal to me and for the longest time I kept it in my jeans pocket. It went through several wash and dry cycles and it wasn't until I got pulled to the side in airport security, twice, that I decided I should take it out and find another place for it. I had honestly forgotten about it in the last several months until today.
I decided to do a small load of laundry and when I pulled out a few clothes from the dryer I paused and started to get a huge smile on my face when I found this charm sitting perfectly on the lip of the dryer, in plain sight so I couldn't miss it. I just stood there looking at it for awhile, clueless to how it got there. It briefly took my breath away. I did wash my purse and I honestly don't remember putting it in there, and I also checked the pockets of it before I washed it, but that's the only place I can think of that it came from!
Now I've really never been one to trust in or believe in 'signs' from my loved ones who have passed on. I always just think of it as a coincidence. I don't necessarily know or think it was sign from Spence today, but regardless it sure did make me smile and realize that he's still looking down on me... especially since I was having a pretty frustrating day with my physical capabilities.
While the above situation made me smile and put me in a better mood, tonight I certainly miss him on a pretty deep level. No tears being shed, I just miss him. As I was looking through my e-mails tonight, I ran across an e-mail from my sister that I completely forgot that she sent me. While I was in Kansas she was looking through her phone and found a video that she took of Spencer Christmas of 2010 -- his last Christmas with us. It's a fairly short video, but it's of Spencer being, well, Spencer -- silly, fun, and quirky. Videos always get to me because they are the most real evidence I have that remind me that my memories weren't just a dream. Videos make his existence real. Tangible. The movements. His voice.
So it's no surprise that they capture an emotion within me that's just too deep for words.
This is your typical Spencer: I haven't been able to make out some of what was said since my roommates are sleeping and I'm not up to watching it over and over again because I'm certain I might cry, but even if I don't know what's being said I love it.
The first time I watched this I was really focused on what was being said. But then I watched it a second time. I started giggling a little bit half way through, and then at the end I experienced a huge burst of some kind of emotion that I honestly can't describe. I ended up laughing, a deep belly laugh, but at the same time I had a knot in my stomach, the urge to burst into uncontrollable tears. I quickly stopped before that happened.
I love watching videos of him. If you have any -- could you please, please share them with me? =)
I love you my SweetPea and miss you every day!!!!
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