The month of October has been full of complex emotions for Josh and I. At the beginning on the month we quietly began our protocol to prepare for our first frozen embryo transfer (FET). Lots of pills, an ultrasound, and several progesterone injections later, we got to hold a picture of our beautifully thawed little embaby and amazingly got to watch as our RE gently transferred it to its new home.
We left the clinic in awe. We had hope, we were optimistic, and we were overjoyed that maybe it was finally our turn to become the parents that we've been painstakingly trying to become.
Day 1, 2, 3, and 4 post transfer passed slowly and both Josh and I were thankful for the distraction of our jobs and ordinary life. Hope and optimism prevailed. Medications and routines continued as if this little embryo implanted into its new home comfortablly.
As the next days moved forward and home pregnancy tests continued to be negative, nerves, doubts, and disappointment slowly creeped in. At first I laughed... of course they are negative, it is still far too early... but then why are some of the ladies in my support group already getting positives? I still shrugged it off... mine will come.
But then on day 6 the reality of the 50% chance that this little embryo may not have made it became clear in my mind. I hid my fear at first, but my husband knows me well and knew I wasn't okay. I cried. I shared my doubts. We talked about our optimism turning into doubt and we moved forward.
Day 7... negative again. Deep down I knew.
Day 8 was my Beta, (blood HCG test). My home test was again negative and even though I knew it would be negative, once I got home I prayed fervently, through tears, that there was some hope of a miracle.
Exactly 1 hour later my phone rang and my heart skipped a beat. Dr. Oakes' office. I took a deep breath and said hello. It was Dr. Oakes herself. Immediately the tears streamed down my face. I knew. She asked how I was and I lied. I said okay.
She told me she was floored. Completely stunned. My test was negative and our embryo failed to implant. Her words only partly stuck with me as I was trying to compose myself enough to comment. She said that typically she doesn't say very much during transfer because she doesn't want to give any sense of false hope because transfers DO fail. But she told me that our embryo just looked perfect. It thawed beautifully, transferred very well, and she fully expected it to be a success. She reiterated to me the fact that approximately 40% of embryos are chromosomally or genetically abnormal. She feels that, in her words, "We just didn't choose the right one".
I couldn't think of any words to say. No questions to ask. My tender heart was broken. She went on to say that she feels our protocol was perfect and that we are welcome to transfer again next cycle, or wait it out until we are ready. She invited Josh and/or I to call her and ask any questions or voice any concerns at any time and she would make the time to talk to us about what is next.
I thanked her, she told me, "Today is a bad day, take care of yourself". I hung up and just stared forward. Now what? I made my way to the couch and after sitting down I let out the biggest, ugliest sob that I'd been holding in for days. I had never felt so alone in my life. My husband was at work and I felt like I was literally going to fall apart. I didn't expect the news to devastate me in that moment quite like it did. I cried and after composing myself just enough, I called Josh. News I didn't want to deliver over the phone, but I had no other choice. He didn't answer and so I sat there with tears streaming down my face.
Eventually I picked myself back up and started distracting myself with laundry and by getting ready for work. Then Josh called and I dreaded talking to him. I wanted nothing more than for him to rush home and be with me. Even more-so I didn't want him to be alone. I knew how I felt and it crushed my heart to think that he may feel the same way yet be surrounded by his students unable to process the news.
I answered and stuttered to tell him. We didn't exchange many words, but I know that we could both tell by each others voices that we were heartbroken. It killed me that I couldn't come home that night so that we could be together. I hated to know we would both be alone. I cried the entire way to work and as I got closer put on a mask that hid the devastation I was feeling in my heart. Work was the best distraction.
We've been doing better since Tuesday when we found out, but our hearts still hurt. We continue to grieve for our little embryo, we grieve for all of the time lost, the time taken off of work, we grieve for the money we spent, we grieve for the seemingly perfect timeline that could have been, we grieve knowing that we could have been 4 weeks along, we grieve for the future that we thought we had started. We just grieve.
I find myself doing mostly okay, but I have moments of sadness and I've had quite a few moments of being angry and bitter that this didn't work out. I've been talking to another women who had the same timeline for her FET that we did. Her's also did not work and she has been a wonderful resource for me as we both struggle to understand the why's and as we try to figure out what to do next.
Keeping this transfer journey quiet was good in theory but we realize how lonely it has made us feel after we found out that it did not work. It's made me realize how much I appreciate the support and how thankful I am of the support of family and friends as we take each step. It's hard to know when to share and where to draw the line because all of this is so incredibly emotional and personal. But again, we are constantly made aware of how amazing our support system is.
I am so thankful to walk this path with my husband. While work has kept us apart, he's been the only person I've really wanted to be around as no one knows this journey better than him. I'm thankful for the weekend to spend some quality time together to focus on us and to continue to move forward.
Josh and I have had a couple of opportunities to talk about what our next steps are going to be. The conversations have been good but the decisions to make are so difficult and must come so quickly. We will be going through with another FET before the end of this year the question we must quickly face is when. We also have the difficult decision of how many embryos to transfer, as she has given us the option of 1 or 2. We appreciate many thoughts and prayers of guidance for us. For us to know in our hearts the answers to the decisions that we face.
The journey is not over for us, we've just hit another step in the process that we will overcome. The end result is becoming even sweeter and so much more special for us. It's an end result that we absolutely cannot wait for.
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