Overwhelmed

I hate this. I just feel the world on my shoulders again. I've been on such a high these past 3 weeks - and now I feel like I'm just crashing down. I don't want to. I hate it! I want to continue to stay positive, to love how I'm living my life, to be confident in my decisions again

But I feel like with everything I do...

I question it.

I am starting to worry about everyone else again...

And I forget about myself. I forget who I am.

I'm not hitting things head on again...

I feel like I've failed.

And I keep getting wrapped up in health, and all the negatives, which bring down my mood even more. So how do you pull out of it.

I think it's the "just do it" attitude that I need to get back.

For this past week I have been constantly worrying about Spencer's CF appointment, which happens to now be today. I've been worried about his health. I've been trying everything possible to help him out... to help him find a job.... to help get him out of the house. I feel like amongst all of this....

I've lost myself.

I've forgotten what my goals are. I've been investing SO much time into getting him healthy I am starting to drown myself in worry, what if's, and investment of time in the wrong way. When I say in the wrong way, I don't mean that what I am doing is a bad thing, but I need to learn to split the time up evenly between Spencer, and myself.

Now, I naturally worry and stress every single time Spencer has a clinic appt. Is he going to be admitted? Will his PFTs reflect how he feels? What if he has a down day? What will I do if he's in there for 2 weeks again? Will the doctor work with him? I think I get more stressed out and more nervous than he does. Any other CF parent, wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, companion like this?! Please don't tell me I'm the only one....

Today is the day of the appt. I just hope everything goes well. Of course Spence had to wake up this morning SICK and throwing up. Just what he needed the day of clinic. Ahhh. I just pray things go okay. I don't know how I am personally going to handle a 2 week hospitalization. Do I stay at the hospital with him? What about my kitty? Should I just stay at home? What about the gas to go back and forth. Those are all the questions, plus MANY more that go through my head when things like this come up. Ahhh I just have to BREATHE and take what comes. Everything works out for a reason. If he does go in - we will look for the positives..

What are the positives.... Maybe I should think about them..

1) He can feel better than what he currently is

2) He has the chance to get above and beyond his current 'normal'

3) More time to ourselves, and only us... (well minus nurses and everything...)

4) Time to make DIY stuff for the wedding!

5) Work on finding the Lord again, together... much time to read

So there ARE good things about it.. It won't all be bad.

BUT... who is to say he will even be admitted. I have a habbit of thinking the worse. Just. Stay. Positive.

Not to mention all of Spencer's health things. My grandpa just had a stroke last night... and It's something that's been on my mind this morning. When my mom told me last night, it didn't really click, it didn't hit me - but now it's starting to sink in. Grandpa had a stroke - he is not himself.... and my family is struggling. I wish I could be there. Be a shoulder for my mom if she needs me. I pray that my grandma can get through this. Oh gosh this can't be easy for her.

Again... I think I am more worried about everyone else than myself... but my family is just sooo close knit that I can't help it. I care, I worry, and I wish I could be there for them, just with them, through these tough times.....

I could write so much more.. my mind is racing. It is seriously going 100 miles a minute. I have SO MUCH TO SAY. But I need to get ready to face the clinic with my fiance. We're in this together - and I have to stay strong. I have to realize myself, and help him realize that good comes out of everything eventually. I am a strong woman. I've proved this MANY times... I just need to dig out that inner strength and put it to good use right now.

I'm sure I will be writing a lot more.... Just not right now.....

Thanks for reading, I appreciate those who take the time to read my vents, rants, and triumphs. Thanks for being with me on my lifes journey to who knows where and supporting me.. Giving me words of encouragement when I really need it. It means the world. Thank you.

-Nikki

First exercise!!

.... and it sucked! Haha. I am so glad that I have finally found the motivation to get out there and at least do some for of exercise. I want to be in shape. I want to feel better about my body. I want to walk around campus without getting so out of breath. And so the only thing that will be able to to help that is getting on an exercise routine. I would much rather head to the gym and either swim or cycle or something - but I just simply cannot afford a gym pass right now - so I'm going to make do with what I have -- The ground to run/walk on and the shoes I have to put on.

The first one wasn't at all easy. At first it wasn't bad, but then I started running - that was terrible. Let me start from the beginning ;-)

Spencer decided that he'd come walk with me - YAY! We rigged up a camelback to hold a small oxygen tank so that he wouldn't have to worry about dragging along his tank. We hooked up the sat checker to it so that he could make sure he wasn't desating. It worked so well! He made the comment about how he felt a new sense of freedom that he hasn't had before while on oxygen. It made me smile and I am SO proud of him for coming with me.

So we set out and did 2 laps around the church. Not a long way - but it was a start for Spencer and he did great :) He had to be on 8 liters for exercise - but if we do this every single day his needs will go down as his lungs get stronger. He has a doc appt on Wednesday. I REALLY hope he doesn't go in the hospital -but we'll see. I guess I can share my thoughts on this subject later.

Anyway... back to my story..

So after he did 2 laps around the church, I was determined to do more. I popped my headphones in my ears and cranked the music up. I started to run. I remembered what I learned from exercise physiology, and tried to control my breathing and just take my mind off of what I was doing. That help for the first........ minute.

Ahh it started to hurt so good. You know that feeling of working out - the soreness in your muscles that you get. That set in at about 2 minutes and at first I hated it, but then it reminded me of when I was in high school doing sports - how good I felt after I was in shape. I almost miss that feeling of waking up in the morning and being so sore I can't walk... ALMOST ;-)

I really wanted to quit, but I made myself run 3/4 of the way around the block!!! It took me 4 minutes and about 50 seconds. Yikes! But it will get better. Tomorrow my goal is for it to take 4 minutes and 45 seconds ;-) Just slowly knock off the time... it'll be hard but I know I can do it!!!! Once it got to the uphill part, I decided to walk - but walk at a quick, steady pace. It was hard! And

my.

calves.

BURNED! That hill is pretty steep - but I'm proud of myself. A song came on my iPod and so I told myself that I would keep up with the pace of the song - it was a pretty quick one! After I got to the top of the hill I finished off my little outing by slowing my pace and walking the rest of the way home slowly. Man I was tired!

My chest hurt, I couldn't breathe, my legs were killing me, I was super thirsty, I was hotter than ever, and my heart was just racing! But I DID IT! :)

I don't know that I can honestly say I'm looking forward to it again tomorrow - but I am determined to give it my best and get into shape. My motivation - the wedding. I want to be confident and comfortable in my dress. And I just want to be in shape in general.!!!

So there is my first exercise of the year! Lets hope tomorrow goes just as well, if not better (better would be preferred, today was hard!!!! haha)

Recipe #1

I have decided to share new recipes! I've gotten several new cook books and I just LOVE to cook! I don't think I could ever do it as a career, but in my free time it takes my stress away and I really enjoy it.

So I have been going to try new recipes and I thought i'd share some of our favorites! These are the ones that just get devoured and everyone comments on several times - and of course ones that i will make over again!!! :)

So here is the first one!!! Maybe next time I will take pics of the process and outcome :)

Oven-Fried Pork Chops

Prep: 10 min Bake: 20 min Oven: 425 Makes: 4 Servings

* 4 pork chops, cut 3/4 inch thick

* 2 tablespoons butter, melted

* 1 egg, beaten

* 2 tablespoons milk

* 1/4 teaspoon black pepper

* 1 Cup herb-seasoned stuffing mix, finely crushed (I used chicken flavor, Stovetop stuffing mix)

1) Trim fat from pork. Pour butter into a 13X9X2 inch baking pan, tilting pan to coat the bottom. In a shallow dish combine the egg, milk, and pepper. Place the stuffing mix in a second shallow dish. Dip chops into egg mixture. Coat both sides with stuffing mix. Place into prepared pan.

2) Bake, uncovered, in a 425 degree oven for 10 minutes. Turn the pork chops and bake an additional 10-15 minutes more or until 160 degrees and juices run clear.

We had this with butter, garlic noodles and corn.. Doubled the recipe and it really turned out great :) It is super quick to make - really. And it's so easy!!!!

Try this and ENJOY!

-Nikki

What I've learned so far

Wow - have I learned / realized a lot just these past two days of this new semester! Haha. I forgot how hard it is to try and get back into a routine... especially when it's not a routine that you're used to. I'm just trying my best and I'm going to stick with it no matter what and no matter how hard it gets. I hope that after a month-ish (sooner, please) it will all become for of a habit and I won't have to work so hard at it (haha)

So I've decided to compile a list of things that i've learned and/or realized just in the last 2 days :) Enjoy...

1) I need to keep my nook charged and USE IT! Since I've gotten back I haven't thought to put it to use or charge it because I've been busy trying to get everything done before the back-to-school rush. But today on the shuttle, I wished I would have had it! I need to upload some songs on it, maybe a few short stories, and put it to use for the boring shuttle rides. It will really come in handy when it start taking the UTA buses and trax to classes a few times a week :) Not only that, but I need to better learn how to use it. I know it has some cool features on it - so I want to sit down and figure them out!!!! Like... can you put your own documents on it so that you can read them? (ie some readings for my classes that are in word and/or adobe format... or is it not fancy enough for that? lol)

2) On my early days when I have class at 9:10... I need to leave way earlier. haha Since I've moved off campus I haven't had to go to a class this early yet. I got up at 7:10 this morning, made some hot cocoa, turned on "Today" then jumped in the shower (totally not even watching the TV at all... boooo) Got done with getting ready at about 7:45. I told myself that if I left by 8:15 I'd get there at about 8:45 - catch a shuttle and be to my class by about 9:05 or so. WRONG WRONG WRONG!
These are the things I definitely did not take into account.
a) it's RUSH HOUR at this time.... LOTS of traffic and its back up, a lot. And you hit every stop light. You gotta leave 30 before you plan or you'll never make it!! (so I'll have to leave a little before 8 lol)
b) The shuttles are PACKED because this is when like all the students are going to classes... A lot of the times you can't cram on them and so you have to wait 10 min for the next one. Not to mention because there are so many students on them, they stop at EVERY. SINGLE. U STOP! So it takes twice the time to get to your stop. Also - take the blue shuttle is in my favor, walking is much faster :)

3) Going to bed early (like around 10 or 10:30) allows me to wake up around 9 feeling really refreshed :) Now I know when it homework load hits, it's going to be hard to make it to bed early every night. But I am going to try to set a no-later-than-11 rule. And on the early days.. no-later-than-10 rule so that I can have energy for my day!!!

4) I have decided that when I get up in the morning, I am going to take some time for myself. I'm going to make hot chocolate or something of the sort, shower right after I wake up, and actually take the time to fix my hair and make up. It makes me feel good about myself, gives me more self confidence and I just like knowing that I took a little extra time for myself. I think it helps my mood in the morning and it carries on into the day. So I think it's REALLY important for me to make sure I get up 15-20 earlier so that I can do this.

5) Haha. I REALLY need to start eating breakfast and/or lunch. On my early days - I will skip breakfast because I'm getting ready and I'm usually not hungry right when I wake up. That or I'm really nauseous. but i think breakfast would help with the nausea. I get SO hungry sitting through class. It really doesn't help my energy level because the little I had stored from sleeping - it wears out FAST! Same goes with lunch. When I have my 1:25 class, I need to eat lunch before I leave. I am getting ready to go, yes, but I can pause for 15 min and grab food!

6) Keep taking my meds. It's only day 2 of the med routine, but I think combined with everything else I am doing it is already starting to help. I think I chose the right vitamin to give me energy and the extra calcium and D I need. My zoloft is definitely going to help with my improved mood. The only thing I am hating is the stupid probiotic. lol Until about a week or two after I take it, it makes my GI tract really messed up. I can't wait until it starts to make me regular again O.o And I've also learned, that I HAVE To take my RLS med. I wanted to see what would happen last night if I didn't take it - BAD BAD BAD idea. My legs, and even my arms were crazzzzy spazzy. So I took it at like midnight and it didn't help because i didn't take it early enough. so I have to make sure I take it EVERY night!!!

7) and to top it all off... I am WAY OUT OF SHAPE!!! hahaha. In combination with the bad air, high elevation and being out of shape, walking up these hills on campus are just a killer! I think I look so stupid huffing and puffing like crazy just walking up the steep hills and stairs :-P Maybe it will help whip my body into wedding shape. hehe. I am trying to walk more now rather than take the shuttles. I know it's going to benefit me in the long run even though I HATE it now. Note to self: bring scarf with! Haha it's COLD outside ;-)

I hope I can look back at this when I need a little motivation.

I have so many blogs that I want to write about various things I can barely contain myself!!!! Haha So be looking for much more to come including:
My classes and a little challenge I am going to propose to the fiance
My health
Our wedding
updates on new resolutions
My classes and my new major

and moreee!!! AHHH! :)

Sooo Ready!

whelp - tomorrow is the day that we make the long journey back to Utah, so I am going to make this pretty brief so that I can call it a night!

There is so much that I want to say but so little time!

I am just SO geared up for this semester... this year.... the rest of my life!

It is a new start to my GPA, schedule, classes, career.... and I am EXCITED! I can't wait to go in with a confident attitude and determination that hasn't been there this last semester. I am very ready to start this new major and get on with my life! :)

This year is going to be a great year. I just know it. So many things are going to change and it's all for the better. I am going to get married, start my new major, move, take full charge of my health, FINALLY be 100% on my own, make new commitments, new goals, continue to discover myself... I can't wait!!

I am just SO eager to get back to Utah so that I can start my new routine. Don't get my wrong. I LOVE being with my family here at home. They are my support, my foundation and have been my life for so long - I LOVE them. But I have started to create my own life and it's so exciting for me. It's hard to make all these new commitments and goals but not be in my place of residence to be able to fully start and follow through with them.

I am determined to wake up every morning and find something to LIVE for. Find something to make me happy and make my day worth it. I want to CHANGE. I am so desperate for CHANGE. The way I was living my life before wasn't working. I thought it was at the time - but now that I have done SO much reflecting - I realize that I just want so much more!

And I think I have found some of the things I am looking for - just can't wait!!!

Definitely more blog posts to come :)

-Nikki