It's been awhile..

I haven't been blogging much this month! I feel like I've been really busy and just haven't taken the time to sit down and write. I have so many things that I want to write about! But for right now I'm just going to write what pops into mind and save the detailed blog posts for later!

On the 16th of this month I launched a new website to spread cystic fibrosis awareness and to educate people about CF. It is in honor and memory of my late husband, Spencer. So far it has been very successful!!! The website got nearly 2,000 views in the first week that it was up. Amazing. I am so thankful for the support that I have received. I am so excited to add to the website and watch it grow =) You can check out the website at www.riddleofcf.com  I'll write a blog later about it, probably after the beginning of May once I launch the "Featured" portion! I haven't gotten to do a lot of advertising and posting about it because my best friend from San Diego was here for 3 days and I took a long 10 day break from the interwebs =)

Which leads me to say that I had a wonderful 10 days with my best friend, Emily! Em traveled to Kansas to stay with me and we had such a good time. We got to see and stay with a couple of super good friends in Colorado for about 3 days and that was probably the highlight for me from this past week. It was SO good to get away - it was not only something that I wanted to do, but something that I really needed. I've been so isolated since Spencer passed away and moving back home. I needed to be around my peers. We got to Bird City on the Sunday the 22nd. We spent a lot of time scrapbooking and doing crafts which was really relaxing and nice to do with a friend. There was a lot of down time where we just couldn't think of what to do - but I think we had a pretty good time, overall! =) Hope you enjoyed it Emily!

I continue to learn a lot about myself and the grieving process the more time that passes since Spencers death. I never quite understood that lonely feeling that many widows (and grieving persons in general) say that they experience. It wasn't until about 4 months out that I really started feeling lonely. A deep longing for my husband. Despite being around the best girls in the world - I was missing something. I was so empty.... And it's not that I wasn't having fun - I WAS! It's hard to describe and I really want to write more about this later. I think I have finally sorted out some of my thoughts with some of the things that I have been feeling. 

And last but not least - I want to end with the biggest thing on my mind. I found out this morning before I left to take Emily to the airport that my mother-in-law, Pam, is declining rapidly. For some of you that may not have known, she is passing away from a fight with breast cancer. The cancer progressed near the end of last year and she decided to stop doing treatment for it since it wasn't helping her. She is in her final days and hours right now. My brother-in-law Isaac posted that they are now giving her medication to make her comfortable. She is not in pain, she is peaceful. They are, and I am as well, asking for prayers for her peace and comfort as she lives her last hours on this Earth. They ask for prayers that she passes with so much love in her heart. Which I have no doubt about because she was one of the most loving ladies I have ever had the privilege of knowing. 

I have had a lot of flash backs today after reading that she is getting the medication to be comfortable and at peace to help her pass. Reminds me of Spence in his final day. The decision to make those last couple of steps that were necessary for him to peacefully slip away. It's really made me miss him a lot today. Always loving him. 

Also... we just got word that my grandpa S. (my mom's dad) has been pretty unresponsive today. Last week they found out he had a DVT (deep blood clot..) in his leg and they started blood thinners for that. I don't know what ever came out of that.... but he's been doing quite poorly for awhile now. They are concerned that his body may be shutting down and are wondering if he might make it. My mom is down giving my grandma the news right now. I just pray for comfort for both my family and my in-laws. We're surrounded in a world full of illness and death right now and we need so, so much strength to make it through. 

I'm struggling a little bit.... It's sad - always sad. But through love, support, comfort, and prayers I will make it through some how - I always do. 

I survived

I survived today. The 4 month mark... The always dreaded 11th of the month. Four months since I have been without my love. For months since I last kissed him. Since I last held his hand. Since I last heard him take a breath.

Four

Months

These four months have felt like an ETERNITY to me, but at the same time it feels like just yesterday. I can think back and remember specific details about the day Spencer passed away. It's like it just happened... The pain at times is so fresh and stabbing like it JUST happened.

But yet I feel like it's been AGES ago. Because in widow time, seconds feel like minutes. Minutes feel like hours... and sometimes hours feel like a short day. Everything just slows down and sometimes stops. The world moves on without me. Leaving me behind.

The month-a-versaries aren't easy. I was really down and out Jan 11th because it was only a month. Feb 11th was horrible because my grandma passed away. March 11th I was driving back from Utah. I was a master of distraction that day. Had a break down moment and I was constantly paranoid something was going to happen to some one. I mean why not? I already lost 3 people in my life on the 11th. So I was *very* worried all day that I was going to hear that one of my other gparents passed away or something. But alas - no one died and I survived.. Barely.

But this month? I tried to keep my mind off of the 11th leading up to it. In fact the thought didn't even cross my mind in the morning until I looked at the calendar. when I saw the 11th I did have a sinking feeling in my stomach but I told myself that it was OKAY. I was a bit paranoid all that we were going to get some kind of bad news as my gpa had an oncology appt today. But nothing bad ever came of today.

Not only did I survive the 11th of April... but I survived it WELL. It wasn't a matter of just trying to sustain myself throughout the day as it has been the past 3 months.

Even though this may seem like a small feat - it's huge in the widow world. Huge. Little moments like this are something to brag about because it shows that even though it hurts like crazy that I don't have Spencer here anymore that I am doing OKAY and I will continue to do OKAY.

Of course I still have moments of horribly overwhelming grief and mourning. Moments where I honestly don't feel like I can go on. I can't quite tell you how I get through them, but I do - and that's the important part, that I continue on even when I feel I can't. I know that these moments of grief will hit for a very long time. There is no question about that. It will always hurt. Always. You never forget the one you love the most. But overtime I will learn how to cope with this grief. And I'm really looking forward to when I get in those dark moments of grief, being able to see a glimmer of light and hope instead of nothing but darkness, loneliness, and hopelessness.

I am proud of myself for how far I've come. For how much I have learned. About grief. About life. About MYSELF.

Prayers for Jordan

I have posted several statuses recently... One about the tornadoes in TX (Hope all my TX friends are safe!!!)... one about indoor active activities for a 3 year old... and so I have refrained from updating my status once again..

But I want to take this time (while miss A is cleaning up all of her toys and picking up!!) to quickly blog a prayer request.

I am asking for many thoughts and prayers for Jordan Ulrich and her family right now. I have been following Jordan's Journey on facebook and this girl is incredible. She has had a heck of a long road with her Cystic Fibrosis and has had two double lung transplants. She has some some INCREDIBLY close calls, but she's pulled through each time. She has an amazing attitude and has a fight within her that it seems nothing can break her. I have been truly amazed by her courage and strength.

But friends, right now Jordan is, once again, in a serious fight for her life. Yesterday she was rushed to the hospital with low sats and feeling short of breath... Here is an update from her mom as of yesterday:

"We are at the local ER with Jordan. Jordan's sats plummeted to 78%, 80% to 87%. She says she feels okay... She's a little air hungry and feels her old friend Mr. Elephant has returned to sit on her chest. She has a fever of 100.9 and is sucking in air like a fish. She's feeling a little better now that they've given her 3 liters of oxygen. Jordan says Mr Elephant is standing up now giving her a little rest. She tried to blow while ago and it wouldn't read it meaning she wasn't able to blow long enough to read it. Pretty odd since she could still blow up until the day they put her on the vent. We finally have an IV started (!!!!!) only 6 tries I think, but at least it is in and going. The blood work is ordered and drawn, they did an EKG on her and this doctor is calling the doctor at Baylor to see what next. Please pray. I'll post as I know more."

A few hours later, Jordans mom posted this update:

"Jordan is sicker than she looks. They are medi flighting her to Baylor in a few minutes. Kidney creatine up to 1.9, WBC 5.0, pneumonia BAD in left lung, the right lung has hyperinflated do much it's shoved her heart over. The xray looks terrible! Says are 91 on 4 Liters of oxygen, blood pressure low, respirations high at 58, heart rate elevated to 130's. Don't know if they will let me ride on flight but if not will all follow behind.

They've started steroids 60 mg., and Vanc, plus another antibiotic, it's a deul one I can't remember the name.

I'm crazy because I don't know where we are. I don't know if Jordan is sick or SICK. the doctors here think she's SICK but is she or is it just worry about the two lung transplants? Would prefer to be in LA but will be okay with Baylor. It will be new to Jordan.... She's never

stayed the night there be fore. Please pray! Little sweet Jordan is terribly scared as she doesn't know what's going on either!" She updated again a little later saying that she was in ICU and that Jordan's situation may jeopardize her transplant.

Jordan had a great evening. She was doing very well and they moved her out of ICU. Well last night she took a turn for the worse. This is the most recent update from Jordan's mom:

"It's a reminder that we can NEVER get too comfortable with a lung transplant! Jordan was doing so well that they moved her out of ICU last night. During the night she got much, much worse. She is on 21 (!) liters of oxygen! I've never heard of that much O2! 6 liters in on a canula, 15 on a mask. Her xray looks like ghost lungs today. Dr Rosenblatt thinks she's in REJECTION! They are doing a bronc right down to see what's going on. This is the time for Jordan to FIGHT!"

Jordan is only my age. Only 21. She's been through so much and if she has fight left in her, we need to help her out with this fight!!!!

When I hear about situations such as this I get major flash backs from the day that Spencer got deathly ill. He's lucky, and it is a pure miracle that he pulled through. I have NO DOUBT IN MY MIND that friends and families thoughts and prayers kept my husband alive for 3 months, fighting for his life.

This is why I post this. Jordan needs thoughts and prayers coming her way. Desperately. I am asking you to just take a few seconds to stop what you are doing and help this 21 year old girl out. Please pray for her family - This is an incredibly hard and terrifying situation to be in, especially for the caregivers - I know from first hand experience.

Jordan you are in many people thoughts and prayers. Continue to fight as long as you possibly can and know we are all thinking and praying for you!!! <3