Letting the words flow...

You know... I don't even know exactly what to write - I guess I just want to let the words flow. Apologies if nothing makes sense - don't bother.... And I'm ok, please don't worry about me.. I'm just having a really, really down night.

I think everything is just building up and getting to me. I don't think anything specific has triggered me to feel this way - but there has been SO much going on. So many major life events. So many happy moments, sad moments, and really hard moments. I feel like I'm struggling to hold on. I want to cry - I want to talk about it... but the tears just won't flow and I don't even know the words to say. It's all internal - I can't externalize anything. I get on the verge of tears, and then somehow, not even trying to - I choke them back.

I wish that being strong on the inside was as easy as putting on a strong front on the outside, you know? I want to remain strong.. Maybe that's why I can't bring myself to cry or show emotion. I've told myself that I have to be strong for Spencer. I know he's struggling and having a hard time. We always seem to struggle at the exact same moments and it sucks. We break down at the same time.... so who's the strong one?

I'm worrying about a million things at once...

I'm worried about our financial situation - it's probably my number one concern. I can't find a job. I lost VR services from Kansas and it's taking forever to get services from Utah. And even that appointment didn't sound promising. Spencer got 100 dollars cut from his SSI and so we have less than 600 dollars to live off of next month.. factor in rent and phone we barely enough for groceries.... we need a miracle. I'm so worried. It seems like all these unknown costs are coming up - Spencer's medications, extra gas money needed, repairs for certain things. And oh jeeze.. ya... Spencer got a bill for over $200 from the hospital... so are we now going to be charged a co-pay for every hospitalization... if so - we're going to be in debt for the rest of our lives. We can't afford to live, let alone pay over 200 dollars for each hospitalization... Now I don't know what exactly the bill was for - but it's just my guess; we'll find out more on Monday. I pray that in some way we won't have to pay it. I'm so nervous.

Spencer's dad seems to be getting worse every day. It sucks. I'm trying to stay as strong as I can for Spencer but it's really hard to see someone you love die. I know its tearing Spencer up inside but it seems like he's putting on this front. I really hope it's not affecting him too much. It's hard staying so strong for him. He's grown SO close to his dad these last few months and I have come to find out what an incredible person his father has become. I'm so sad I don't get to know him more. I won't get to spend more time with him. I'm sad he wasn't able to attend my baptism. I'm grateful, though, that I got a few words in with him while he could still carry a conversation. I was thankful that i got to hold his hand and kiss his head and tell him that I'm proud to call him my father-in-law...

I'm so tired of coming home to a messy house. This house is NOT a representation of who I am. I don't like clutter - I know that as a teen I was pretty messy; but after having my own place, my own space - I HATE when it is messy. I want it clean and I want to enjoy it. But We've been so busy lately and had so much stuff going on, I feel like I can never get caught up with cleaning. There are boxes everywhere - trash on the floors... dirty dishes strung everywhere, laundry never seems to be done. I just want to start FRESH. When I come home I don't want to have to clear off a spot to sit down... I don't want to have to think about cleaning the dishes, doing some laundry, or picking up the floor from all of our wedding gifts we're getting. I want to be able to relax. God you know how long it's been since I've been able to relax... TRULY relax with everything leaving my my mind... forever. I don't even remember when. I can't get caught up with anything. I do dishes, but then it seems like there are a million more the next time I turn around. I hate this =/

I'm tired of typing.. I"m just tired. I hope tomorrow is better and I get out of this foul mood. i hate it.. =/

So stinkin' PROUD!!!!

I haven't blogged in awhile, I realize this - but there has been so much going on and I just haven't had the words to blog. But I'm getting there - slowly but surely to letting out all of my thoughts and telling you about all the crazy events that have been going on

But for now... I want to share with you, share with the world how freakin' proud I am of the love of my life.

I just can't seem to say it enough. I've told him countless times these past few weeks how proud of him I am. I've posted it online. I've told my mom. I've smiled to myself and though "wow I'm so proud." But nothing can honestly and truly express how proud I am of Spencer Riddle.

This boy has been through the ringer. He's been put through SO much this month - tested beyond all belief, but yet here he is almost 3.5 weeks out of the hospital and he's still kickin!!! He's not just coasting by - he's picking up the pace and feeling wonderful. It has been SO, SO long since the time that he's been out of the hospital and 3 weeks later still feeling the same as the day he left. This is HUGE strides for us.

There is so much crap going on in our lives yet he's healthy!!!

for one.... His dad is battling cancer, and has gotten very sick, and taken a turn for the worse this last week. I know this just tears Spencer up inside, and I truly expected it to take a negative role on his health - but he is just trucking along - living his emotions and not letting it slow him down.

Two..... We've lost 100 dollars a month to live and we were barely making it by as it was... but yet he's not letting that get to him and he's just blowing past it, making the best of what we have.

And these are just two of the big things in our lives weighing us down... this isn't to mention everything.

The every day battle to get up in the morning and do his treatments. The battle to remember to take every single med and boil all his nebs. The grueling routine of being active and exercising.

But he's doing it!!!!!

He has taken all his meds every single day..... We're working on getting better at boiling his nebs every day and we've been succeeding. We're WAY more active than we were being, I have Spencer come with me about everywhere I go so that we can get out of the house more frequently and just move around a lot more.

The exercise part - well we're still working on it... It's hard to do - but I think being active and working up to being able to bike for 15 minutes is working. With being in the hospital so frequently this year his strength and stamina have just left completly. So it seems like it's taking FOREVER to build it back up. But I know it's slowly working with just getting out and walking around doing errands - that's more than what he was doing.

He's gaining some weight - I've been like, force feeding him.... And I know it's paying off.

Gosh I am JUST SO PROUD!!!! And I don't know how else to express it. I can't wipe this smile off of my face and I want to tear up when I am talking about it.

It means so much to me that he is doing every single thing he can to stay healthy... for himself, for me, for our future.... It's amazing... :)

Day 22

Day 22 - Your favorite city

I don't know if I can choose a favorite city - I mean honestly, I haven't been to too many. I LOVE Salt Lake City. There is so much to do and the view is amazing. But I also REALLY enjoyed San Diego while I was there a few summers ago. I can't choose =)

Motivation (or lack thereof)

I'm lacking so much motivation right now. I was doing great all through the semester and with my first final - but I have two to go, one tomorrow and one Wednesday and I cannot focus enough to study to save my life. I try, but then I think of something else that seems much more important.

Not good. I've missed the last couple weeks of class because there is SO much going on in my life right now. Though I think I am starting to sort everything out and work around it all - but it doesn't help that my lack of motivation hits around the time of finals and when I have SO much catching up to do!!!

I'm just done.. I don't want to do anymore... but isn't that how almost every student is around this time of year. Anything to procrastinate only 2 tests left. You'd think that only 2 tests left and then being done would be source for motivation to just do it and get it out of the way... wrong. Unfortunately that is SO wrong!

Not to mention that since we've been in the hospital for two weeks - my eating has been TERRIBLE and I haven't slept very well.... This plays a huge tole on my body. I am starting to feel SO sick from the crap I'm putting into my body and the little sleep that I'm getting. BLAH. So of course I'm feeling really nauseous and so terribly unhealthy and I'm so fatigued and tired. It's hard to keep my eyes open let alone focus on a page of 1,000 little words having to focus to keep it from becoming a blur. I haven't the energy to even sit up... honestly - it's that bad. My body feels like it might just fall apart right now.

Oh dear how i CANNOT wait to get home *hopefully* tomorrow. Spence has PFTs tomorrow at 11 and the plan is to discharge.. his FEV1 is at 31% I think up from 23% upon admit. Making progress but I'm kind of worried about tomorrow. It'll be ok. Just have to think positive. I can't wait to get home. Start doing some walking or cycling. Eating fruits and veggies and small portions of healthy meals!!!! The thought of a hamburger, chicken sandwiches, grilled cheeses just turns my stomach upside down!!!! Even thinking of ice cream, and juice makes me sick. I want ice water.. No sugar. Amazing how much you miss the things you can't really have >.<

Anyway... Here's to finding some inner motivation to get me through tonight!!!!!

-Nikki

(and ps... Of course I had to say in one of my last blog posts that I want to try and write at least once a day.... my computer crapped out. The screen went black and I can't use it. So I have to share Spencer's computer ((which I accidently turned into 'mine' through google accounts! explanation later XD)) So I don't get on the computer much to say the least! Doesn't look like I'll be able to afford much of anything any time soon... UGH.... so blog posts daily only if I get the chance!)