Baseline Blues

I haven't really decided how or where I'm going to share parts of our IVF journey [or if I even will at all...] But my blog feels like an appropriate place to journal with quick snippets here and there on Instagram. Honestly there hasn't been much to share quite yet. With infertility there is more, far much more, waiting than action.

But there are times I just need to write, not necessarily for anyone else, but for myself. [[I always figure if it helps someone else going through it then it is just a bonus.]] And right now I just need to get real about the emotion of all of this.

Today I had my baseline labs and ultrasound done by a clinic that my doctor works with for patients who are not local to Omaha. I finally got the call with the results that I'd been anxiously waiting for all day. The nurse said that I have a couple of cysts on my ovaries and as of right now we can't continue with the schedule as planned.

Unfortunately she told me that a lot of the scans that they have been receiving from this clinic have not been very good and that I'm left with two choices.... to start on another cycle of birth control or to travel to Omaha and repeat the scan and labwork on Monday to try and get a clearer picture. I decided to do the later.

This is all really screwing with my emotions tonight because once again it puts us in a "gray area" and another wait and see situation... a good probability of a cancelled cycled and another month's delay.

▪︎A little back story▪︎

I have been on birth control for the last 3 weeks to suppress my ovaries so that all the follicles start out at roughly the same size and to reduce the possibility of cysts forming. This allows the medication to do its job growing the follicles to house the eggs in preparation for the egg retrieval. I was scheduled to start my injections of stimulation hormones around Sunday with monitoring throughout the week and retrieval the last full week of September.

I thought that today I would get my "set" schedule and have a much better idea what my work schedule and my life would look like for the next 2-3 weeks. We have been waiting for this moment for the last 3 months and right as we thought we had finally got there, I'm being told there is a real possibility we have to cancel this cycle and wait it out again.

Part of me feels that we've been waiting over 2 years to start a family, what is another month... but the real fact is that when you have such a strong desire to become a mom and a dad it's a devastating moment to realize you have to wait another month when you've finally come so close to starting. Those months start to feel like a lifetime after a while.

Let's get real. I don't really want to do this. I don't want to do any of this... all the appointments, the needles, more needles, all the tests.... But the reality is that I want the chance to be a mother to my biological child or children and so I have to do this and I'm willing to do this to make that a possibility.

I just wish that the will to do this made it easier. I knew this journey was going to be emotional, but I'm now just beginning to understand why it becomes so emotional and how emotional it can really be. Not only do you have all of the ups and downs, but it is just a very lonely journey. Not many people understand and I don't expect anyone to try.... you can't truly understand unless you have also been through it. For this reason I am incredibly thankful for the online support groups I have found.

But from someone going through infertility to the family, friends, and support systems out there... check in on your gals from time to time... and check in on their spouses, too. Genuinely ask them HOW THEY are doing and take the time to listen. There is so much more to all of this than how the appointment went yesterday, or what the next step is next week, or when the next injection is.... The mental health aspect of this is real and we need to be given the chance to talk about our emotions, too. If we feel comfortable talking about it we will open up to you. If we're not quite there yet, ask again in a couple of days and we might finally be ready to share. 

Don't necessarily take our silence as a hint that we want you to back off (I'll tell you if I'd rather you not ask about it :).... Each appointment and each step in this process has a lot of information to it that just takes a bit to process. Personally, sometimes I need to share right after I find out new information... but other times I need to let it sink in and process it all before I talk about it. Sometimes I need a good cry about it (okay or maybe 4) before I'm ready to share *coughlikethisblogpost*

So with all of that being said... on Monday I'll push myself to go to another appointment, to get another set of labs drawn, and to hopefully hear some kind of information from my doctor that will put this into more perspective and have a new timeline to follow through the next cycle. 

But for now... #IVFGotThis