One reason out of many that I love being a part of the CF Wives group on facebook is that we get to share the most exciting moments of each others lives. We just got word that a fellow CF Wive's hubby got his call for a new pair of lungs tonight! This isn't the first time a member of our group has posted news as good as this -- just last month another CF wife was informing us of her husband being called in for his transplant. Recently we all joined another CF wife in her excitement of just marrying the love of her life.
Yes, we do get a lot of down posts and some bad news in the group too -- but these joyous moments truly make up for the bad. We support each other through both thick and thin, in the middle of the night, in the early hours of the morning, for good and for bad. These women have become such an important part of my life. The majority of us have never met, we just know each other through our computer screens and cell phones, but the bond we share with each other is very close to the bond that a family might share.
Nicole and her husband, Nathan, are still waiting to hear if these donor lungs are in perfect condition and that everything is a go. They just got the call so it might be awhile. But just take a moment to imagine the feelings that are going on between them. Excitement that it is finally "go" time; shock that the time is finally here; sadness that someone just lost their life and the family is grieving; being so thankful that this family was so selfless to give the gift of life; fear that this is a MAJOR surgery and they may not see each other again, fear of the unknown; relief that they may no longer have to wait and that he won't get any sicker while waiting. Wow! I went through my own set of extreme emotions when Spencer was battling for his life for 3 months, but I don't think I went through the string of emotions that they are currently going through tonight.
So most of you know the drill!!! Pray for perfect lungs and that this transplant is a GO; the donor family and the life that they just lost; a very successful surgery for Nathan; peace and comfort for Nicole, Nathan's wife, and their family as they wait in the waiting room for the surgery to complete; the surgeons, that they might have steady hands and a clear mind; the entire staff, that they may all work together and make decisions that are in the best interest of Nathan; for Nathan to be at peace as he is wheeled back for surgery; a complete and successful recovery for Nathan.
I do get a little sad when I hear about someone getting the call for their transplant. Just sad because I know that Spencer never got the chance. We came so darned close to the opportunity of living a new life without a problem breathing. We were both SO looking forward to that chance.
But tonight, I am just so thrilled that this couple may now be getting the opportunity of a brand new life. Getting to do things that they never though possible. And getting to do the things that they did before, but now with little to no constraints. How amazing?
I will update more in the morning, or as I get new information, in the comments below!
Ahhhhh the wonderful and magical Gift Of Life. Please think about becoming an organ donor and saving lives!!! http://donatelife.net/register-now/
"In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going." R. M. Drake
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Happenings
Thursday was Spencer's birthday. All of the posts on Spencer's facebook wall wishing him a first absolutely perfect birthday in Heaven was comforting to me. At first it was a shock to see all the posts and having them remind me that it was his birthday, and honestly a bit upsetting, but after getting used to it my mind and heart were set at ease. I'm always blown away with how many people miss him, cared about him, love him, etc. It always makes me remember the kind spirit he had =)
If you read my post from a couple of days ago, you will remember that I asked people to release a balloon to celebrate Spencer's life for his birthday. Thank you very much if you were able to do that! After I got off work my sister and I went to the store and bought some balloons and a cake! We then went to the park, wrote on our balloons, and released them for sweet Spencer. (photos taken by my sister, Shayna!)
After dinner we ate some chocolate cake in memory of him as well as his two favorite candies (bummer that we forgot the gummy bears!)
My sister and I shared some great memories of him and I also received a video of the Riddle family releasing balloons in memory of Spencer (which made me tear up!) and a couple of pics from other people I know releasing a balloon -- THANK YOU! Really put a smile on my face =)
Thursday also marked my last day of watching two amazing and beautiful kiddos. I am really going to miss them! I walked into the house that morning was was greeted with this sight: (Why yes that is Doc. McStuffins -- Ashlyn's favorite show!)
It nearly brought me to tears!! Both Ash and Andrew made me a card as well. We had such a great day! We did some crafts, went to the playground, watched Doc. McStuffin's, played tag outside, slip n' slide, picnik at the park, rest, swimming pool, water balloons, and then slip n' slide again! Whew -- I got tired just typin that out! haha. I hope to post a slide show later on when I find the perfect song to go with all of our adventures throughout the last 5-6 months!
Yesterday my sister and I went to Enders lake for the day and had a great time. We didn't spend a whole lot of time there, we got a late start, but we did a lot of swimming, a little bit of walking around, and lots of talking. We weren't thinking ahead very much and so we didn't bring any cards or anything so we got bored and decided to leave. Definitely going to miss this girl!!
And finally today! It was a bit of an emotional day for me -- no particular reason, really. I just had VERY low patience and when a little but of frustration emerges, a lot does! I attempted to finish a sewing project that I had started a few weeks ago... But I got to the zipper and got SO frustrated! I sewed on the zipper backwards and unfortunately put in the smallest stitches that my sewing machine could do, and I double stitched (quadruple stitched one side... I got confused lol) the whole thing... wonderful. I did NOT have the patience to rip it all out and so I threatened to throw it away when my mom refused to let me and then proceeded to rip out the million stitches that I put in. I love her! I think she got tired of it fairly quickly, though, since she put it aside for now.
We then went through a few boxes in the "craft" room which didn't take too long. AFter that my sister and I, once again, played Mario Kart and then we made Spencer and I's infamous Watermelon Lemonaid! Turned out great and I'm enjoying every last sip!
So that is my last few days in a nut shell. Been very busy, but I'm loving every moment of it. Soaking up the last week I get with my family!
If you read my post from a couple of days ago, you will remember that I asked people to release a balloon to celebrate Spencer's life for his birthday. Thank you very much if you were able to do that! After I got off work my sister and I went to the store and bought some balloons and a cake! We then went to the park, wrote on our balloons, and released them for sweet Spencer. (photos taken by my sister, Shayna!)
My sister and I shared some great memories of him and I also received a video of the Riddle family releasing balloons in memory of Spencer (which made me tear up!) and a couple of pics from other people I know releasing a balloon -- THANK YOU! Really put a smile on my face =)
Thursday also marked my last day of watching two amazing and beautiful kiddos. I am really going to miss them! I walked into the house that morning was was greeted with this sight: (Why yes that is Doc. McStuffins -- Ashlyn's favorite show!)
It nearly brought me to tears!! Both Ash and Andrew made me a card as well. We had such a great day! We did some crafts, went to the playground, watched Doc. McStuffin's, played tag outside, slip n' slide, picnik at the park, rest, swimming pool, water balloons, and then slip n' slide again! Whew -- I got tired just typin that out! haha. I hope to post a slide show later on when I find the perfect song to go with all of our adventures throughout the last 5-6 months!
Yesterday my sister and I went to Enders lake for the day and had a great time. We didn't spend a whole lot of time there, we got a late start, but we did a lot of swimming, a little bit of walking around, and lots of talking. We weren't thinking ahead very much and so we didn't bring any cards or anything so we got bored and decided to leave. Definitely going to miss this girl!!
And finally today! It was a bit of an emotional day for me -- no particular reason, really. I just had VERY low patience and when a little but of frustration emerges, a lot does! I attempted to finish a sewing project that I had started a few weeks ago... But I got to the zipper and got SO frustrated! I sewed on the zipper backwards and unfortunately put in the smallest stitches that my sewing machine could do, and I double stitched (quadruple stitched one side... I got confused lol) the whole thing... wonderful. I did NOT have the patience to rip it all out and so I threatened to throw it away when my mom refused to let me and then proceeded to rip out the million stitches that I put in. I love her! I think she got tired of it fairly quickly, though, since she put it aside for now.
We then went through a few boxes in the "craft" room which didn't take too long. AFter that my sister and I, once again, played Mario Kart and then we made Spencer and I's infamous Watermelon Lemonaid! Turned out great and I'm enjoying every last sip!
So that is my last few days in a nut shell. Been very busy, but I'm loving every moment of it. Soaking up the last week I get with my family!
Friday, July 13, 2012
Long couple of days!
I have had a super long last 2 days! I was so exhausted yesterday that I didn't get a blog in. Today we went to the lake and so I am, again, so tired! I have tried to sit down and write on a few different topics but my brain is just not working!!
So I've decided to just write out some thoughts, again =) If you're new to my blog you'll soon come to realize that I do a lot of thinking and always, always have a lot on my mind! I hope that I can get back on the blogging challenge tomorrow after a good nights sleep. I didn't want to get too far behind, so I'm forcing a quick post out tonight.
** Yesterday while looking through a few pics of Spencer on his birthday in 2011, I realized that I haven't sat down and had a good look at a picture of Spencer in a good, long while. It tugged at my heart strings a little bit to see his smiling face again and I couldn't study it very long. Definitely made me remember just how much I miss it. Oh his beautiful face...
** I've really been wanting to make some progress with this book, but I'm having a REALLY hard time with getting started. I guess I have started... I've written out a couple different outlines, but actually digging in and going for it is proving super hard! I know that I mentioned having all my posts gathered together, but sorting through them all is proving to be a really overwhelming task! If anyone has any tips, suggestions, advice, facts whatever-it-may-be on getting started with the book writing process, I would really appreciate your input!
** My last day of work was yesterday. I'm really going to miss the two kiddos that I babysit for. Though she might have squealed every morning when I arrived, she warmed up to me quickly and we always had a great day!! So many activities together =)
** My mother will NEVER be ready for me to leave! haha. I mentioned that I am supposed to leave next weekend and how crazy it was that it's coming up so soon. Mom let me know she wasn't prepared for me to go and she didn't "approve" ;-)
** I need to start taking the time to reply to comments on my blog! I really didn't think about it until I read a blog for the UBC suggesting to get more comments on their blogs. I mainly just write for myself and don't really expect a lot of comments on what I write... but I do LOVE when I see that I have comments to approve! I read every single comment, honestly! A lot of times I'm just not sure what to reply. All the comments are always so sweet and I appreciate every single one of them =) So please keep commenting and I am going to try to get better with responding and returning the favor ;-) Also, if you like what you read don't forget to "follow" me ----> over there on the side!
** I'm NOT looking forward to the heat coming back! We've had a nice break from the 100-112 degree heat for about a week. Finally had some rain and some cool temps. But it looks like this next week we're going to be back into the 100s every day with plenty of wind. Thankfully I have no outdoor plans and can just stay in, pack, and try to remain cool!
** This blog challenge is kicking my butt! Writing every day is really hard for me being in KS because I do the same things every day. This is a blog about my life, and right now my life is not all that exciting! When I get back to Utah I hope to have lots to write about, but I also realized that I am not going to have internet where I am staying! It's going to be a lot more challenging to get in my blogs every day, but hopefully I can find a place nearby that I can relax and write a blog once a day. Might have to write a few blogs in advance in case I can't get anywhere -- thank goodness for quick posting with smart phones!
** I am THRILLED that I have gotten nearly 20,000 views on my blog; from all over the WORLD. It's so much fun looking through my blog stats seeing where people are visiting my blog from, what websites direct them to my blog, and what posts are the most popular. I am almost up to 200 posts! Only 6 more to go after this one posts!
So with all of that off my mind -- I think I'm going to call it a night. Back to regular, well thought out posts tomorrow, I hope!
So I've decided to just write out some thoughts, again =) If you're new to my blog you'll soon come to realize that I do a lot of thinking and always, always have a lot on my mind! I hope that I can get back on the blogging challenge tomorrow after a good nights sleep. I didn't want to get too far behind, so I'm forcing a quick post out tonight.
** Yesterday while looking through a few pics of Spencer on his birthday in 2011, I realized that I haven't sat down and had a good look at a picture of Spencer in a good, long while. It tugged at my heart strings a little bit to see his smiling face again and I couldn't study it very long. Definitely made me remember just how much I miss it. Oh his beautiful face...
** I've really been wanting to make some progress with this book, but I'm having a REALLY hard time with getting started. I guess I have started... I've written out a couple different outlines, but actually digging in and going for it is proving super hard! I know that I mentioned having all my posts gathered together, but sorting through them all is proving to be a really overwhelming task! If anyone has any tips, suggestions, advice, facts whatever-it-may-be on getting started with the book writing process, I would really appreciate your input!
** My last day of work was yesterday. I'm really going to miss the two kiddos that I babysit for. Though she might have squealed every morning when I arrived, she warmed up to me quickly and we always had a great day!! So many activities together =)
** My mother will NEVER be ready for me to leave! haha. I mentioned that I am supposed to leave next weekend and how crazy it was that it's coming up so soon. Mom let me know she wasn't prepared for me to go and she didn't "approve" ;-)
** I need to start taking the time to reply to comments on my blog! I really didn't think about it until I read a blog for the UBC suggesting to get more comments on their blogs. I mainly just write for myself and don't really expect a lot of comments on what I write... but I do LOVE when I see that I have comments to approve! I read every single comment, honestly! A lot of times I'm just not sure what to reply. All the comments are always so sweet and I appreciate every single one of them =) So please keep commenting and I am going to try to get better with responding and returning the favor ;-) Also, if you like what you read don't forget to "follow" me ----> over there on the side!
** I'm NOT looking forward to the heat coming back! We've had a nice break from the 100-112 degree heat for about a week. Finally had some rain and some cool temps. But it looks like this next week we're going to be back into the 100s every day with plenty of wind. Thankfully I have no outdoor plans and can just stay in, pack, and try to remain cool!
** This blog challenge is kicking my butt! Writing every day is really hard for me being in KS because I do the same things every day. This is a blog about my life, and right now my life is not all that exciting! When I get back to Utah I hope to have lots to write about, but I also realized that I am not going to have internet where I am staying! It's going to be a lot more challenging to get in my blogs every day, but hopefully I can find a place nearby that I can relax and write a blog once a day. Might have to write a few blogs in advance in case I can't get anywhere -- thank goodness for quick posting with smart phones!
** I am THRILLED that I have gotten nearly 20,000 views on my blog; from all over the WORLD. It's so much fun looking through my blog stats seeing where people are visiting my blog from, what websites direct them to my blog, and what posts are the most popular. I am almost up to 200 posts! Only 6 more to go after this one posts!
So with all of that off my mind -- I think I'm going to call it a night. Back to regular, well thought out posts tomorrow, I hope!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
7 Months and a "Birthday"/Celebration of Life
I was either going to post a really simple blog tonight or wait until morning and post 2 tomorrow -- but my mind was quickly changed.
Today marked 7 months without Spencer. I didn't think about it too much today, really. Kept my mind busy with the kiddos that I watch and had a great time today. After I got home I went to get my hair cut, got home and ate, played Mario Kart with my sister, and then took a long walk. It was something I was trying to keep off my mind and I thinkI did well.
I think that 6 months was some kind of unknown goal for me. If I could get through 6 months, I'm half way through all of the "firsts" that I would encounter. If I got that far, I would be "okay". So 7 months is finally making it completely over the first big hump and now is the LONG stretch to get through the very first year without Spence. I know that I'm nearing some very difficult months ahead. September through December is when our lives stopped. My world ceased to turn. I barely made it out of the hospital and I seemingly disappeared for awhile. Those moments that I vividly remember from the hospital are going to really rush back to me here in a few months. I'm definitely not looking forward to them, but then again I just want to say "bring it on" so that I can get them over with and get on with a new year.
Ugh is it sad that I'm already dreading those months coming up.... One day at a time, Nikki.
But anyway... I think the "month" mark is getting easier each month. Of course the 11 holds a lot of bad memories for me and I always think about the day I lost Spence -- but I'm able to cope better. This is a huge accomplishment for me. As long as we can get through the 11th without something bad happening... I think I'll be okay. I still sometimes almost expect something to go wrong on the 11th of each month. I mean I lost 3 people on the 11th within 8 months... Those thoughts are going to be there for awhile -- but thankfully they are better.
The 12th of July was a special day -- it was Spencer's birthday. Tomorrow he should be turning 24 years old... instead he stays a young 23. Before just a few minutes ago, I wasn't really worried about his birthday. I haven't been planning for it. Haven't been thinking about it. Haven't been expecting it. I just figured that I'd try to forget about it. I thought that tomorrow I would stay busy, just like today, and it would be okay. I honestly didn't think it would be a huge deal like every widow says it has been for them. Ohhh how naive I can be.
But unlike the 11th of the month when no one reminds you that it marks one more month of being without Spencer... the 12th of July, Spencer's birthday is something that everyone remembers (thanks facebook....) and you're reminded about every second.
I got on facebook after I came down to my room tonight. Was scrolling through my newsfeed when all of a sudden my stomach lurched and I kind of felt the world stop for a split second. Someone wished my husband a happy birthday.
It all hit me like a brick wall. Spencer's birthday is tomorrow. He isn't here to celebrate it. To celebrate how HUGE of a deal it is that a terminally ill person turned another year older. He isn't here to turn 24, nor will he ever be here again to enjoy a birthday.
I feel sad. And I feel quite angry... hurt. All the reminders are painful for me -- SO SO much more than I thought they would be. Again... I was very naive about this.
I don't want you to refrain posting on his wall for his birthday. Please, please don't. Shower it with love and happy birthday wishes!!!
In fact, I think I'm going to turn tomorrow into a little celebration of life.
So if you think about it, and wish to join in -- please go to your local store, grab a balloon (red was his favorite color!!) and release it. Please. For me. For Spencer. Celebrate the wonderful life that he lived and remember the special person that he was.
And if anyone is near the Orem area, feel free to go to the Orem City Cemetery to visit his grave. I really, REALLY wish that I could tomorrow... but soon enough I will when I'm living there again. Tell him I say Happy Birthday =) ;-)
Today marked 7 months without Spencer. I didn't think about it too much today, really. Kept my mind busy with the kiddos that I watch and had a great time today. After I got home I went to get my hair cut, got home and ate, played Mario Kart with my sister, and then took a long walk. It was something I was trying to keep off my mind and I thinkI did well.
I think that 6 months was some kind of unknown goal for me. If I could get through 6 months, I'm half way through all of the "firsts" that I would encounter. If I got that far, I would be "okay". So 7 months is finally making it completely over the first big hump and now is the LONG stretch to get through the very first year without Spence. I know that I'm nearing some very difficult months ahead. September through December is when our lives stopped. My world ceased to turn. I barely made it out of the hospital and I seemingly disappeared for awhile. Those moments that I vividly remember from the hospital are going to really rush back to me here in a few months. I'm definitely not looking forward to them, but then again I just want to say "bring it on" so that I can get them over with and get on with a new year.
Ugh is it sad that I'm already dreading those months coming up.... One day at a time, Nikki.
But anyway... I think the "month" mark is getting easier each month. Of course the 11 holds a lot of bad memories for me and I always think about the day I lost Spence -- but I'm able to cope better. This is a huge accomplishment for me. As long as we can get through the 11th without something bad happening... I think I'll be okay. I still sometimes almost expect something to go wrong on the 11th of each month. I mean I lost 3 people on the 11th within 8 months... Those thoughts are going to be there for awhile -- but thankfully they are better.
The 12th of July was a special day -- it was Spencer's birthday. Tomorrow he should be turning 24 years old... instead he stays a young 23. Before just a few minutes ago, I wasn't really worried about his birthday. I haven't been planning for it. Haven't been thinking about it. Haven't been expecting it. I just figured that I'd try to forget about it. I thought that tomorrow I would stay busy, just like today, and it would be okay. I honestly didn't think it would be a huge deal like every widow says it has been for them. Ohhh how naive I can be.
But unlike the 11th of the month when no one reminds you that it marks one more month of being without Spencer... the 12th of July, Spencer's birthday is something that everyone remembers (thanks facebook....) and you're reminded about every second.
I got on facebook after I came down to my room tonight. Was scrolling through my newsfeed when all of a sudden my stomach lurched and I kind of felt the world stop for a split second. Someone wished my husband a happy birthday.
It all hit me like a brick wall. Spencer's birthday is tomorrow. He isn't here to celebrate it. To celebrate how HUGE of a deal it is that a terminally ill person turned another year older. He isn't here to turn 24, nor will he ever be here again to enjoy a birthday.
I feel sad. And I feel quite angry... hurt. All the reminders are painful for me -- SO SO much more than I thought they would be. Again... I was very naive about this.
I don't want you to refrain posting on his wall for his birthday. Please, please don't. Shower it with love and happy birthday wishes!!!
In fact, I think I'm going to turn tomorrow into a little celebration of life.
So if you think about it, and wish to join in -- please go to your local store, grab a balloon (red was his favorite color!!) and release it. Please. For me. For Spencer. Celebrate the wonderful life that he lived and remember the special person that he was.
And if anyone is near the Orem area, feel free to go to the Orem City Cemetery to visit his grave. I really, REALLY wish that I could tomorrow... but soon enough I will when I'm living there again. Tell him I say Happy Birthday =) ;-)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Feeling Behind
I'm sure you've all had the feeling that you are "behind". Behind in a class struggling to catch up. Behind on that essay that you put off until the last minute. Behind on the news because you spent a week on vacation, or was just too busy or tired to watch. Behind on house chores that you never seem to have time to do. I think that you catch my drift.
Lately I have been feeling simply that... behind. With everything. Somethings, such as my website, book, packing, etc are because I don't seem to have the motivation to do it. I'm always fairly tired when I get home and on weekends I just want to relax. A lot of times when I do the things I know I want to do, or need to do, it's because I'm forcing myself -- not really out of my own free will. I guess being behind in these things doesn't bother me too much because it's just how I am -- I'm a procrastinator and I have been my whole life. I don't think that will ever change.
But the things that I am behind in that aren't from lack of motivation are what bothers me. I feel behind in friendships, in school, in certain skills and just in some of the things that all other people my age might be caught up to speed with. Some may say that I am not at all behind, but I just feel like it.
For example, I kind of feel like a lousy friend. I feel like I'm SO behind on my friendships and my friends lives. It makes me feel rotten =/
There are some friends that I haven't seen in awhile because of our past and I'm concerned about it getting in the way of our future. There are other 'friends' who haven't really even made an effort to be my friend since Spence passed. And then there are those friends who sometimes contact me, we talk, and then I don't contact them again for awhile. I then realize how much I miss them in my life and only some times do I make the effort to contact them again. If I miss them so much then why does it take so long for us to talk or hang out? I just get to feeling bad about it, because I know that I'm not fully upholding the duty of our friendship
. But then again... it's hard to stay in contact with people when you're living 2 states away. It takes a lot of effort and it's effort that I just haven't had the energy to give. I hope that people can understand that. Sorry to anyone who has felt like I've been a slacker. =/
I feel behind in things such as school, work, interview skills etc. I have only completed 2 full years of college when most people my age have completed 3. I'm not saying that I'm regretting withdrawing from classes, no not at all, because it was the best decision I could have ever made and I know that I'm going back to school to finish my degree. But it's just a bummer that I'm not almost done with school. In fact I don't even know what I want to do with my life -- I kind of feel like I'm back at square one.. Okay scratch that... I'm even further back than square one, because when I graduated HS I KNEW what I wanted to do! haha
I have only held one job aside from babysitting and being a nanny my whole life. I've only had about 2 interviews. I really have no job experience which hurts my chances at getting a job. Yes I have a ton of life experience, volunteering, etc... but sometimes they just don't care because they want you to have JOB experience. This has been hard to deal with when typing up my resume and thinking about ways I can talk up my strengths and try to get around the I've-really-never-had-a-"real"-job thing.... I just hope that I can get an interview and pray that my interviewing skills are okay.
I think that a lot of this is a normal feeling after losing someone you love. The concept of time that I have now is SO much different than before! The world keeps moving on when you want to yell at it to just SLOW DOWN and let you catch up. Tomorrow marks 7 months without Spence and I'm definitely not even being close to caught up to speed. It's obvious that it's going to take awhile. I am bummed that the last 7 months of my life have kind of been on hold, so to speak... But it's been nice being home and spending time with family again.
Just wanted to write out some of my thoughts. Might not be that eloquent, but it helps me sort through all the mumbo jumbo in my mind!
Lately I have been feeling simply that... behind. With everything. Somethings, such as my website, book, packing, etc are because I don't seem to have the motivation to do it. I'm always fairly tired when I get home and on weekends I just want to relax. A lot of times when I do the things I know I want to do, or need to do, it's because I'm forcing myself -- not really out of my own free will. I guess being behind in these things doesn't bother me too much because it's just how I am -- I'm a procrastinator and I have been my whole life. I don't think that will ever change.
But the things that I am behind in that aren't from lack of motivation are what bothers me. I feel behind in friendships, in school, in certain skills and just in some of the things that all other people my age might be caught up to speed with. Some may say that I am not at all behind, but I just feel like it.
For example, I kind of feel like a lousy friend. I feel like I'm SO behind on my friendships and my friends lives. It makes me feel rotten =/
There are some friends that I haven't seen in awhile because of our past and I'm concerned about it getting in the way of our future. There are other 'friends' who haven't really even made an effort to be my friend since Spence passed. And then there are those friends who sometimes contact me, we talk, and then I don't contact them again for awhile. I then realize how much I miss them in my life and only some times do I make the effort to contact them again. If I miss them so much then why does it take so long for us to talk or hang out? I just get to feeling bad about it, because I know that I'm not fully upholding the duty of our friendship
. But then again... it's hard to stay in contact with people when you're living 2 states away. It takes a lot of effort and it's effort that I just haven't had the energy to give. I hope that people can understand that. Sorry to anyone who has felt like I've been a slacker. =/
I feel behind in things such as school, work, interview skills etc. I have only completed 2 full years of college when most people my age have completed 3. I'm not saying that I'm regretting withdrawing from classes, no not at all, because it was the best decision I could have ever made and I know that I'm going back to school to finish my degree. But it's just a bummer that I'm not almost done with school. In fact I don't even know what I want to do with my life -- I kind of feel like I'm back at square one.. Okay scratch that... I'm even further back than square one, because when I graduated HS I KNEW what I wanted to do! haha
I have only held one job aside from babysitting and being a nanny my whole life. I've only had about 2 interviews. I really have no job experience which hurts my chances at getting a job. Yes I have a ton of life experience, volunteering, etc... but sometimes they just don't care because they want you to have JOB experience. This has been hard to deal with when typing up my resume and thinking about ways I can talk up my strengths and try to get around the I've-really-never-had-a-"real"-job thing.... I just hope that I can get an interview and pray that my interviewing skills are okay.
I think that a lot of this is a normal feeling after losing someone you love. The concept of time that I have now is SO much different than before! The world keeps moving on when you want to yell at it to just SLOW DOWN and let you catch up. Tomorrow marks 7 months without Spence and I'm definitely not even being close to caught up to speed. It's obvious that it's going to take awhile. I am bummed that the last 7 months of my life have kind of been on hold, so to speak... But it's been nice being home and spending time with family again.
Just wanted to write out some of my thoughts. Might not be that eloquent, but it helps me sort through all the mumbo jumbo in my mind!
Monday, July 9, 2012
Organ Donation On My Mind
Organ donation -- what does it mean to YOU? To me, it is the selfless gift of life and the greatest gift one could ever give.
I have been thinking a lot about organ donation lately. As several of you know, my husband was able to donate his corneas after he passed away. He so badly wanted to donate more, and I wish he would have been able to - but every organ in his body was diseased. But I am more than happy that he was able to at least donate something! The gift of sight. Vision. The ability to see. What an amazing gift to give. A gift that lives on many, many years. The gift that keeps on giving.
I’ve been thinking about the recipient of Spencer's corneas. I continue to hear about donor recipients letters of thanks that they write to the donor family. I wonder if someday I will ever get a letter from the recipient of Spencer’s corneas? I definitely look forward to that day if it ever comes. It will be a very welcome letter. Of course we donated his corneas with no expectation of anything in return (such as a letter from the recipient), and I don’t expect that at all. But I can’t help but wonder, who is now seeing because of Spencer? Who is now seeing the world “though Spencer’s eyes”? I hope that whoever got his corneas were as deserving, kind, and selfless as Spencer was. =)
I just think it's so cool that a small part of him is living on in someone else. It may not be something as huge and as life saving as a lung, heart, liver, or kidney -- but the gift of sight is an incredible thing!!
Just imagine if you were either never born with eyesight, or if you suddenly lost your sight due to illness or injury? Imagine never knowing the colors of the rainbow; the face behind that furry pet that you feel and have grown to love; the words on a page of a book; your parents faces. Imagine knowing these beautiful sights but having it stripped away from you in an instant, or slowly over time. What would it be like to not be able to see your children celebrate their birthdays and see the smiles on their faces; to forget what the color yellow looked like; to not be able to read the words in a book or see the picture in a movie; to have to learn a brand new way of reading?
We take these things for granted every single day. Seeing is something that comes so naturally to us, as does breathing, moving, talking, or walking. Actions and senses that are second nature that we can’t possibly know what we have until it is gone.
I am very passionate about organ donation. Why take your organs to the grave when you can help several different people still on earth, who would otherwise die, LIVE? There are so many people who are in a life-or-death situation waiting on an organ transplant. If my husband would have lived longer; he would have been one of those individuals needing an organ. Unfortunately the demand of organs far exceeds the supply, of both deceased and living donors.
I’m not going to bombard you with tons of statistics which you will most likely skim through -- but I do want to share a couple of statistics with you which I feel are very eye opening and important when getting the real picture of organ donation. I hope that you will take the time to read them and understand why it’s so important to consider being a donor.
* About 25,000 people a year receive transplants, which is fantastic, it really does seem like a large number -- but about 10,000 more die while waiting for organs. To put this into perspective, it’s about THREE TIMES the number of people who died on the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center. That’s a lot of people, friends.
* At any given time, about 100,000 people are on the transplant waiting list. For each and every organ transplanted, three more people sign up; and those on the waiting list die at a rate of ten a day.
I hear of countless people saying that they are an organ/tissue donor. That’s great!!! But my real question to them, to YOU, is have you talked to your family about your wishes to donate your organs and/or tissues? There are so many people who want to be organ donors, who sign up on the national organ donation registry, and mark that they are donors on their drivers license -- but friends, THIS IS NOT ENOUGH! Let me tell you why.
Between 6,900 and 10,700 people want to donate their organs -- but because of families not knowing their wishes, next of kin not being asked to donate, etc only 37 to 57% of potential donors become actual donors! That percentage is strikingly low!!! Even if a patient has signed an organ donation card, the permission of the immediate family is required before the organs can be removed. This poses several problems which I will mention a couple but not go into detail about:
1) The family doesn’t know about the wishes of their deceased loved-one and refuses
2) They just lost their loved one and don’t want to make a sudden decision such as this
3) The removal and transplantation of organs is very time sensitive!
It is so, so important that you talk with your family about your wishes on organ and tissue donation -- Openly and Often! Make sure that they know!
And unfortunately, even if everyone was an organ donor when they died, it still would not be enough to supply the many people in need of a transplant. There are 12,000-20,000 people declared brain dead every year -- but 100,000 people are in need of transplants.
That’s why it’s also important to consider being a living donor. I know that not all people can be, or want to be, a living donor, but it is something to consider!
The risk of donating an organ is very slim.
* Kidney donors face odds of 1 in 20,000 of dying from surgical complications, and it can now be done laparoscopically so that you’re able to avoid a big incision and your recovery time is decreased.
* The odds of living liver-lobe donors is less known but it’s estimated that they face odds of 1 in 10,000 of dying from complications.
And think about this fact for a second:
If only 1 in every 3,000 people donated a kidney, the kidney shortage would be SOLVED! That’s incredible! I think it’s worth a consideration to be a living donor =)
I’ve been wanting to write a post about Organ donation for a long time, and I finally found the motivation to do so. I hope that you will PLEASE consider signing up to be an organ donor AND talking to your family about your wishes.
You can register to become an organ donor here:
http://donatelife.net/register-now/
Just click on your state and follow the prompts
Remember -- you’re giving the gift of LIFE. The greatest gift of all and a gift that continues to give!
All statistics and facts taken from:
Munson, Ronald. "Chapter 7." Intervention And Reflection -- Basic Issues in Medical Ethics. 8th ed. Belmont: Thomson Wadsworth, 2008. N. pag. Print.
I have been thinking a lot about organ donation lately. As several of you know, my husband was able to donate his corneas after he passed away. He so badly wanted to donate more, and I wish he would have been able to - but every organ in his body was diseased. But I am more than happy that he was able to at least donate something! The gift of sight. Vision. The ability to see. What an amazing gift to give. A gift that lives on many, many years. The gift that keeps on giving.
I’ve been thinking about the recipient of Spencer's corneas. I continue to hear about donor recipients letters of thanks that they write to the donor family. I wonder if someday I will ever get a letter from the recipient of Spencer’s corneas? I definitely look forward to that day if it ever comes. It will be a very welcome letter. Of course we donated his corneas with no expectation of anything in return (such as a letter from the recipient), and I don’t expect that at all. But I can’t help but wonder, who is now seeing because of Spencer? Who is now seeing the world “though Spencer’s eyes”? I hope that whoever got his corneas were as deserving, kind, and selfless as Spencer was. =)
I just think it's so cool that a small part of him is living on in someone else. It may not be something as huge and as life saving as a lung, heart, liver, or kidney -- but the gift of sight is an incredible thing!!
Just imagine if you were either never born with eyesight, or if you suddenly lost your sight due to illness or injury? Imagine never knowing the colors of the rainbow; the face behind that furry pet that you feel and have grown to love; the words on a page of a book; your parents faces. Imagine knowing these beautiful sights but having it stripped away from you in an instant, or slowly over time. What would it be like to not be able to see your children celebrate their birthdays and see the smiles on their faces; to forget what the color yellow looked like; to not be able to read the words in a book or see the picture in a movie; to have to learn a brand new way of reading?
We take these things for granted every single day. Seeing is something that comes so naturally to us, as does breathing, moving, talking, or walking. Actions and senses that are second nature that we can’t possibly know what we have until it is gone.
I am very passionate about organ donation. Why take your organs to the grave when you can help several different people still on earth, who would otherwise die, LIVE? There are so many people who are in a life-or-death situation waiting on an organ transplant. If my husband would have lived longer; he would have been one of those individuals needing an organ. Unfortunately the demand of organs far exceeds the supply, of both deceased and living donors.
I’m not going to bombard you with tons of statistics which you will most likely skim through -- but I do want to share a couple of statistics with you which I feel are very eye opening and important when getting the real picture of organ donation. I hope that you will take the time to read them and understand why it’s so important to consider being a donor.
* About 25,000 people a year receive transplants, which is fantastic, it really does seem like a large number -- but about 10,000 more die while waiting for organs. To put this into perspective, it’s about THREE TIMES the number of people who died on the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center. That’s a lot of people, friends.
* At any given time, about 100,000 people are on the transplant waiting list. For each and every organ transplanted, three more people sign up; and those on the waiting list die at a rate of ten a day.
I hear of countless people saying that they are an organ/tissue donor. That’s great!!! But my real question to them, to YOU, is have you talked to your family about your wishes to donate your organs and/or tissues? There are so many people who want to be organ donors, who sign up on the national organ donation registry, and mark that they are donors on their drivers license -- but friends, THIS IS NOT ENOUGH! Let me tell you why.
Between 6,900 and 10,700 people want to donate their organs -- but because of families not knowing their wishes, next of kin not being asked to donate, etc only 37 to 57% of potential donors become actual donors! That percentage is strikingly low!!! Even if a patient has signed an organ donation card, the permission of the immediate family is required before the organs can be removed. This poses several problems which I will mention a couple but not go into detail about:
1) The family doesn’t know about the wishes of their deceased loved-one and refuses
2) They just lost their loved one and don’t want to make a sudden decision such as this
3) The removal and transplantation of organs is very time sensitive!
It is so, so important that you talk with your family about your wishes on organ and tissue donation -- Openly and Often! Make sure that they know!
And unfortunately, even if everyone was an organ donor when they died, it still would not be enough to supply the many people in need of a transplant. There are 12,000-20,000 people declared brain dead every year -- but 100,000 people are in need of transplants.
That’s why it’s also important to consider being a living donor. I know that not all people can be, or want to be, a living donor, but it is something to consider!
The risk of donating an organ is very slim.
* Kidney donors face odds of 1 in 20,000 of dying from surgical complications, and it can now be done laparoscopically so that you’re able to avoid a big incision and your recovery time is decreased.
* The odds of living liver-lobe donors is less known but it’s estimated that they face odds of 1 in 10,000 of dying from complications.
And think about this fact for a second:
If only 1 in every 3,000 people donated a kidney, the kidney shortage would be SOLVED! That’s incredible! I think it’s worth a consideration to be a living donor =)
I’ve been wanting to write a post about Organ donation for a long time, and I finally found the motivation to do so. I hope that you will PLEASE consider signing up to be an organ donor AND talking to your family about your wishes.
You can register to become an organ donor here:
http://donatelife.net/register-now/
Just click on your state and follow the prompts
Remember -- you’re giving the gift of LIFE. The greatest gift of all and a gift that continues to give!
All statistics and facts taken from:
Munson, Ronald. "Chapter 7." Intervention And Reflection -- Basic Issues in Medical Ethics. 8th ed. Belmont: Thomson Wadsworth, 2008. N. pag. Print.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
10 Random Thoughts
10 random thoughts for a random Sunday --
1) I am the worlds most ineffective packer and mover. Like, holy cow. I really do hate the process of packing and then moving and unpacking. This is the 5th time I'll be moving in 3 years and honestly I'm just done. This time I'm trying to be super organized with it and I think it's making my packing abilities more and more ineffective as I go on. I really don't get anything done. I find a box of memories and the next 2 hours are reminiscing about the past.
2) I absolutely hate my random emotional moments and how suddenly they come on. This moving process is already taking its tole on my emotions. Every time I sit down to sort and pack up boxes I end up crying several different times. I find a card here. Spencer shoes there. I remember certain things I'd rather not think about, or else the things that make me happy and then end up making me cry. You'd think I'd be used to these sudden emotions (and when I say sudden, I really do mean sudden!) being 7 months widowed... but honestly I'm just now starting to get used to them. It's going to be a long road before I'm able to embrace them!
3) I need to learn how to go to bed at night (before 2am) and wake up in the morning (before 10am). I think that has been causing a few of my headaches and it definitely doesn't help with my crabby attitude that I sometimes have! I know that the nights that I stay up late and mornings that I sleep in super late I am very unproductive and over all tired the next day. You'd think I'd learn?
4) I don't mind exercising at all -- the part that I can't take is the heat and how terribly hot and over heated I get. This is why I enjoy swimming laps so, so much. As long as the pool temp isn't too hot, I can stay cool and i'm fine. In that case I really do enjoy exercising. I can't wait until I'm able to get a pass at a gym/pool so that I can finally get back into the shape that I want to be! I have no doubt that I can do it if it's something I actually enjoy doing... compared to the things I hate!
5) I pick up on other peoples moods in an instant. If I am around others who are grumpy, angry, crabby, sad, happy, excited -- I tend to get that way too. I think that it happens more with negative moods than it does positive. If I wake up in a wonderful mood and then get to work, or school, or join my family and someone is upset or mad at the world that day, I instantly think about things that are upsetting me and am put in a terrible mood. I have noticed it more ever since I lost Spence and I think it's just because I'm constantly emotional and maybe a taaaad bit unstable with my emotions ;-)
6) I am still struggling to know what I want to do with my life. What I want to go to school to be. I decided that I just really don't want to be a Child Life Specialist but I don't know what I DO want to be. Part of me wants to go back into nursing. Part of me wants to again look into being a PA. I just don't know and it bothers me every single day.
7) I want to get involved with the CFF (cystic fibrosis foundation) asap when I get back out to Utah. Of course I won't do it until I've gotten settled in and know my schedule. But I really want to be a part of the foundation and see what I can do! I've always wanted to, but my life was dedicated to saving my husbands life. Now that I don't have that to do and because I am still very passionate in spreading awareness about and raising money for CF, I want to get involved. I've also thought about getting involved with CCFA (crohn's and colitis foundation of amercia) as well. I am just going to have to see where things lead! If I have a chance, I would like to just do a lot of volunteer work and service. I always feel great when I'm helping out others and I LOVE volunteering!
8) I am kind of in a rut. I seem to have hit a road block with just about everything. I'm not exactly sure what it is. Anything I think of to do I am putting off and I just don't have much a desire to do anything. I don't know if it's a little bit of depression creeping up, which honestly I don't think it is because my depression feels A LOT different than this. I think that it might just be because I am about to make a MAJOR life change by moving back to Utah and I'm over-all scared about it and where my future might lead.
9) I realized that every time I write a well thought-out and long blog post I am essentially adding more and more content to my book. All thoughts written on my blog are a great starting ground for topics for my book! I wrote a blog post yesterday which turned out to be 4 pages long on Word. (many if only essays came that easy, right?!) And I can most definitely expand on nearly all thoughts shared in that blog. So even though I might not feel like I'm making much process with my book - I AM just by writing daily, or weekly in my blog. Now if only I can organize everything into a format that works for me to put this dang book together! I have nearly all my blog posts and caringbridge posts etc in one document... But I need to categorize by topics which is going to take awhile. I mean with all of my combined posted in various places I have nearly 400 pages. That's A LOT of content!!!! Ahhh what a process - but it will be SO worth it in the end!!!
10) Annnnd for my final thought... it's kind of an announcement of sorts -- I was asked to kind of share part of my story with my IBD for a post in the Huffington Post and I'm super excited about it! It's really not anything much, but I'm sooooo blessed to continue to be given opportunities like this! I feel so honored and privileged to continue to be asked! I love the Starlight Children's Foundation with all my heart and with everything that they do! I really would love to volunteer in the future for this foundation because they have done SOOOO much for me and given me SO many amazing opportunities! I want to give back!!!!! THANK YOU STARLIGHT!
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