Feeling Behind

I'm sure you've all had the feeling that you are "behind". Behind in a class struggling to catch up. Behind on that essay that you put off until the last minute. Behind on the news because you spent a week on vacation, or was just too busy or tired to watch. Behind on house chores that you never seem to have time to do. I think that you catch my drift.

Lately I have been feeling simply that... behind. With everything. Somethings, such as my website, book, packing, etc are because I don't seem to have the motivation to do it. I'm always fairly tired when I get home and on weekends I just want to relax. A lot of times when I do the things I know I want to do, or need to do, it's because I'm forcing myself -- not really out of my own free will. I guess being behind in these things doesn't bother me too much because it's just how I am -- I'm a procrastinator and I have been my whole life. I don't think that will ever change.

But the things that I am behind in that aren't from lack of motivation are what bothers me. I feel behind in friendships, in school, in certain skills and just in some of the things that all other people my age might be caught up to speed with. Some may say that I am not at all behind, but I just feel like it.

For example, I kind of feel like a lousy friend. I feel like I'm SO behind on my friendships and my friends lives. It makes me feel rotten =/
There are some friends that I haven't seen in awhile because of our past and I'm concerned about it getting in the way of our future. There are other 'friends' who haven't really even made an effort to be my friend since Spence passed. And then there are those friends who sometimes contact me, we talk, and then I don't contact them again for awhile. I then realize how much I miss them in my life and only some times do I make the effort to contact them again. If I miss them so much then why does it take so long for us to talk or hang out? I just get to feeling bad about it, because I know that I'm not fully upholding the duty of our friendship

. But then again... it's hard to stay in contact with people when you're living 2 states away. It takes a lot of effort and it's effort that I just haven't had the energy to give. I hope that people can understand that. Sorry to anyone who has felt like I've been a slacker. =/

I feel behind in things such as school, work, interview skills etc. I have only completed 2 full years of college when most people my age have completed 3. I'm not saying that I'm regretting withdrawing from classes, no not at all, because it was the best decision I could have ever made and I know that I'm going back to school to finish my degree. But it's just a bummer that I'm not almost done with school. In fact I don't even know what I want to do with my life -- I kind of feel like I'm back at square one.. Okay scratch that... I'm even further back than square one, because when I graduated HS I KNEW what I wanted to do! haha

I have only held one job aside from babysitting and being a nanny my whole life. I've only had about 2 interviews. I really have no job experience which hurts my chances at getting a job. Yes I have a ton of life experience, volunteering, etc... but sometimes they just don't care because they want you to have JOB experience. This has been hard to deal with when typing up my resume and thinking about ways I can talk up my strengths and try to get around the I've-really-never-had-a-"real"-job thing.... I just hope that I can get an interview and pray that my interviewing skills are okay.

I think that a lot of this is a normal feeling after losing someone you love. The concept of time that I have now is SO much different than before! The world keeps moving on when you want to yell at it to just SLOW DOWN and let you catch up. Tomorrow marks 7 months without Spence and I'm definitely not even being close to caught up to speed. It's obvious that it's going to take awhile. I am bummed that the last 7 months of my life have kind of been on hold, so to speak... But it's been nice being home and spending time with family again.

Just wanted to write out some of my thoughts. Might not be that eloquent, but it helps me sort through all the mumbo jumbo in my mind!

Death and Time.. and CF

There is no fancy way to say it... no sugar coated way to put it... but I wish there was... I wish there was an easier way to think of it... to know everything happens for a reason.. But there isn't.

Death scares me. It scares me now more than ever. I have been forced to see death in a whole different light - and it's upsetting, aggravating, frustrating, and devastating to think about all at the same time..

I never thought that I would have to put death into my reality so early in my life. But lately - it's been the only thing I can think about. Everything is a matter of time to me now. Everything is in years... It shouldn't be... I know it will get better - I'm just trying to grasp... death... dieing... passing away...

Death and cystic fibrosis never clicked with me until a month ago. I didn't realize the reality of it all. I thought... psssh he will be the exception. He will be the one guy that lives in to the 70s or 80s with CF.. We can fix it all and it will all be normal... ok... fine...

But it's not true... at all. It's all very real. He is going to die eventually and I hate it. I'm scared and frustrated and tired of thinking about it. I never know when that day will come... It shouldn't come in a long time... but how do we know?

Why do the most deserving people have the most devastating problems.. It's not fair. I hate it.. I'm pissed off. I want my love, my best friend, to live a long life. To be able to do the things he once did. It all just seems to be going in a downward spiral. Things get worse... We take a couple steps forward and then more than a couple steps back. Make no progress. Can progress happen? will it happen? Who's to say?

I just need to accept death. But how? How do I deal with the thought that my future husband is going to leave me and his family and friends behind well before any of us are ready. How can I live with knowing that I have a limited amount of time with this wonderful man? How do I stop counting years.. and just live every day to the fullest?

I mean... I do my best to cherish every single day.. Trust me - I do.. and usually I do a pretty good job at all. I can make the best out of the day.. But if I stop and give myself time to think about it (usually in the evenings.. or when he's sick) I start thinking about time... time time time.... I want to stop putting everything into years!!!! We don't know that we have 3 years or 30 years together.. and we can't know that..

-sigh- No one should have to go through this... Especially so young... not the CFer and not the care team. It's hard. Unfair. And I absolutely hate it.

Time. Time. Time.