I knew that this was going to require a lot of my personal time, but I honestly didn't think that my life was going to completely revolve around medications, injections, lab work, ultrasounds and the works. I know that if I lived in Omaha life could continue on as normal as possible, but having to drive to Omaha really limits how much I am able to work and be home. I'm incredibly thankful that I have been able to take off this whole week to focus on growing and maturing some eggs! It has also been really nice to have a full week off of work. It is definitely not how I would prefer to spend it as I'd much rather be vacationing in the mountains or taking another trip to Utah, but since we had to cancel our vacation this summer to save for IVF, mentally I really needed this break. I hope that I am able to regroup and come back to work refreshed enough to start digging through the piles and getting everything caught up so that we can do this again come transfer time!
So a huge shout-out to all of my employees for stepping up and maintaining the lab while I'm gone. Thanks for allowing me the break to start my family and to not feel like I have to stress out about not being there. I owe you guys!!
Since the last time I wrote I have had a couple repeat scans. Monday's went pretty well. I had about 5 follicles that were ready but roughly 15 that were still young and needed to mature so my doctor felt like it'd be best to continue my stims and add in an additional injection to prevent ovulation of the big follicles and to allow the other follicles to catch up.
So I drove back to McCook on Monday after my appointment and spent all day on Tuesday catching up on the dishes piled high in my kitchen, sweeping the piles of dog hair away, and getting some laundry caught up. This not being home thing has really caught up to me! I overdid it a little bit so I was relieved to be able to sit and relax on the drive back to Lincoln Tuesday night.
I had another scan this morning and it just really caught me off guard. I think the clinic had quite a bit going on and so the wait was pretty long to go back even though I got there earlier than usual. That didn't exactly help my anxiety :) For some reason I was more nervous than I have been, probably because this is the scan that tells us if we can proceed!! With all of my past scans my doctor has done them. I've been able to ask questions during and she takes the time to explain the results of the scan with me and what they mean. It's really helped my anxiety and has allowed me to feel comfortable and not really sweat it. But today a different lady came in to do my scan. Totally fine, but her body language was a little harsh and she never introduced herself to me. I'm going to be honest, I have NO IDEA who she was! My best guess is an assistant of my doctor? She said hello to me, asked me if I had my lupron, and then at the end told me they'd meet me outside. That was literally all she said to me. SOO that raised my anxiety a bit and just made me really uneasy.
I did get to see Dr. Oakes briefly after the scan. She told me that things looked good and that we are good to trigger tonight! For those of you not savvy in IVF speak, this means that at a very specific time tonight, exactly 36 hours before egg retrieval, I will do an injection that will trigger the final maturation process of the eggs and allow them to release at the correct time on Friday when we officially have the egg retrieval. Tomorrow morning I will go in for labs one more time to make sure that the trigger actually worked like it was supposed to and if everything looks good FRIDAY IS THE DAY!
After I got out to my car I started getting nervous and a little panicky. By the time I got out on the highway I started getting tears in my eyes. I decided that I probably needed to find a place to park so I found a parking lot and pulled over. By the time I got into the parking lot I started having a nice panic attack. Great. The fear of the unknown started creeping up and just completely overwhelmed me (and of course the extra hormones soaring through my body didn't help). All of these What-If situations keep playing around in my head. I think part of that is because I didn't know exactly what the scan showed other than the follicles that were measured, and to me they still seemed a little small.
What if the trigger injection doesn't work?
What if my eggs don't mature enough?
What if we are triggering too early?
What if. What if. What if.
[A huge thanks to my sister for responding to me super quick when I sent her a message that said, "I need someone to TALK ME DOWN." She's always been good about responding right away and just listening to me when I need to verbally work things out.]
It is so hard to just let go and trust the process. I DO trust my doctor. She has done this countless times and is excellent in what she does. She knows more than I do... she knows more than google does. This is why she has a degree and does what she does. I have to be okay and know that she is doing everything as it is should be. Everything is going to be okay and even if it's not, it is NOT the end of the world, just another bump in the road. If it doesn't work out, it is just another piece of the puzzle of why we can't conceive.
 |
| What if = Fear Even if = Faith |
So I am currently just waiting to hear back from my clinic about the timing of my trigger shot tonight and am anxiously waiting my husband to arrive tonight. I have been so thankful for all of the support that we have gotten. But I'm tired of doing this all alone, physically alone... with no one by my side. I've gotten along okay, but am beginning to feel quite nervous as I am back to not really knowing what to expect with retrieval on Friday. Going to try to distract myself today with a movie at the theater and I am going to try to accomplish some more on my new crochet project later this afternoon until my niece and nephew get home from school! That's a super good perk of staying in Lincoln, I've gotten to see a lot of my sister-in-law and those two munchkins. Lifts my spirits up!
No comments:
Post a Comment