I love them...,

This is just one of those pictures that I ran across from my cousins profile and really wanted to share. These are my grandparents. And there is just something about this picture that I am absolutely in love with. My grandmas smile. How close she is with my grandpa. How much she loves him. My grandma is an amazing person. I would fight with you for years telling you that she is the best grandmother that one could have. She's been there for me almost as much as my mom has - and thats a lot!!! As far as I know, EVERYONE comes before herself. Now I see where I get it... it goes back generations!

I have so many memories with my grandma. Going to her house for lunch, because she made the BEST potato boats; making Christmas candy with her; "quilting" with her and her trying to teach me how to sew; playing in her basement with my cousins; Cooking with her; spending the night at her house; waking up in the morning at her house to eggs, toast, and bacon; watching the TV and grandpa getting upset; hanging out there just because I liked spending time with her. I miss those days. I really do.

I love that my grandpa has a slight smile on his face. He's so frail. You don't see him smile like you used to. But yet in this picture he smiles even though he's sick. He is so confused and just falling apart on the inside but in this picture you can't even tell. So many memories with him as well.

Grandpa giving us the "stink eye" until it 'hurt'; taking Chance and I to the army tank and even letting us inside, teaching us about it; showing us pictures; all of his books; him getting angry because we had the TV up too loud; him asking us if we were sure we were full; doing the BEST 'magic tricks' for us, such as pulling out coins from behind our ears; playing with his dominoes and cards; going golfing with him even though I was terrible and never learned; riding the golf cart with him in the summer..... I miss this as well. So much. So, so much.

Grandpa hasn't been doing well lately - and it's been really hard on my family and especially my grandma. I physically saw the other day how it was emotionally tearing her apart and it broke my heart. She loves him. Their love is real and I so badly want to grow old and share the same kind of love that they do. It's heartbreaking to see her have to go through this. You see, my grandpa has worsening (isn't it always?) dementia, he's retaining a lot of fluids, and he has heart problems. His oxygen needs are increasing and his day to day life, well it isn't even life at all =(. He's been in the hospital for so long - some days are better than others. It is time that my family starts thinking about long term home health care or a nursing home. I never realized how much it tears the family up thinking about a nursing home until now. Until I'm actually seeing it with my own family. It makes me think about nursing homes SO much different now....

I don't think my grandpa has too much longer - but he has surprised us before... I just hate the thought of death. I don't handle it well. I mean, does anyone? I'm not afraid of death itself, but losing the ones I love. I can't even bare the thought. I haven't lost very many people who I've been close to (thank goodness) but when we lost my uncle to cancer - I was pretty upset about it... and so I don't know how I am going to take the death of an even closer family member.

I know I should go and see my grandpa because there really is no telling how much longer he will be here.... but I'm uneasy about it. Why? I'm honestly not quite sure. I guess I just want to see him healthy - not sick and possibly even really confused. I don't know how my grandma does it. I'm not ready for all of this - but it has to come someday. I just hope I get to see him again...