Beginnings and Ends

I've had a lot of "ends" in my life, some much more painful than others. There have been more ends than I care to admit. Some have been near the impossible end of the spectrum leaving me empty, completely lost, vulnerable, and devastated. Ones I never thought I could recover from.

Others have been bitter, filled with anger and/or regret that mostly stems from hurt in one way or another. They are the ends that don't seem to have a finality to them... Ones that leave lingering emotions that sneak up from time to time through songs, dates, foods, and smells. The only thing to quell them is letting go and accepting unresolved ends.

There are also the ends that have brought about relief and peace, sometimes happening simultaneously with the ones that are also earth-shattering. Knowing that it's for the best. When it's expected. Knowing the time is coming for something better, or when the time comes only so another time can happen. It doesn't mean it isn't sad or doesn't hurt, but knowing and accepting in advance is the comfort.

Most ends have left me with a broken heart on a scale of a tear or two shed to nearly a couple of pieces beyond repair. But even with a deeply shattered heart, there are always those two pieces held into place, seemingly glued there after so many endings, somehow holding on screaming "Everything will be okay." With time the pieces are at work slowly mending, healing, and reshaping. And that's the beautiful thing. When the world is crashing down, inside the jigsaw puzzle of the heart is working to prepare you for what is to come and allowing you to grow and blossom through deep sorrow.

But with each and every end has always come a beautiful beginning with endless opportunities. Some beginnings are dreamed of. Others hoped for. When they come is a mystery and at times it seems like they are years away as I'm waiting here for another door to open, silently questioning and pleading for the reason behind the hurt. Beginnings have also snuck up quickly and very unexpectedly and at times I look at the closed door for too long and miss the one that's been opened. So many missed opportunities while not quietly letting old ones go.

I've quickly learned (but not as quickly as I would have liked) to be open to new beginnings. To be accepting of changed plans and a different slant on my future. I think that's an exciting part of my life right now. I've constantly been given these new beginnings but rarely have I fully embraced them. I've been muddled down with hurt, grief, and at times immeasurable pain. But being in such a good place in my life compared to where I have been in the past and with so much growth and discovery, it's been easier to allow myself to open up to the changes and beginnings that are presented to me.

I'm living in a beginning right now and the choices and opportunities I have ahead of me are at my discretion. Endless. Obstacles form a wall ahead, they always will, however with working through everything I already have, I know it's possible. It's the patience I have to have that gets in the way. But I know that I'm currently in that in-between point in my life. I'm not completely tied down to anything or anywhere. I'm not going to school and so when I go back, my choices are endless, as I am forced to move anyway. My job is fairly versatile and chances are good I can find something similar, or even better, if I choose to relocate. The thought of being able to pack up and go to any place I so choose is exhilarating, but terrifying at the same time.

Starting over is always a challenge and intimidating, but it's an adventure. And it's an adventure I'm so ready to tackle when the time arrises.

New beginnings? A fresh start.

Vague Discoveries

Nearly every trial and tribulation, life event, relationship, fight, and success in our lives makes us learn something about ourselves. Sometimes it's discovery of the strength we harbor when we feel we have none. Other times it's deep seated fears we never knew existed, preventing us from achieving goals and fulfilling our dreams. Every once in awhile we discover love and compassion for another being we thought incapable of our love before.

Life has a way of throwing us lessons and discoveries when we feel we're least able to handle them. When we're feeling most vulnerable we're struck with doubts, fears, and hopelessness we're forced to work through stressing our boundaries and relationships. But only life knows this is the prime time to test us because any other time we'd be forced to push these thoughts to the side. Ignore them for a "better" time, oftentimes forgetting about them altogether.

There are moments where you unveil a different kind of vulnerability that lies within. A vulnerability that is absolutely terrifying. It encompasses the good and the bad all at one time. Excitement pulses through your veins at the realization that this type of vulnerability is possible in your life once again. The ability to let down your walls and inhibitions to let another person in.

This vulnerability allows you to uncover both good and bad during these times. The good that makes you feel incredibly happy and filled with joy. Thoughts that make reality seem just slightly better than dreams. It fills you with the drive to wake up in the mornings, leaves you with a smile you can't quite wipe off your face. But then because you have suddenly let down those walls and inhibitions there are things that flood you with sorrow, sadness, and fear, making you cry what seems like your last tear.

You find fears, sometimes paralyzing fears, that have the power to destroy if you let them have the best of you. Fears you didn't even know you needed to work through. Life finds these opportune times to throw it at you, making you dig deep and push forward, trying not to push those around you out. Sometimes these fears are the most difficult to work through, because fear is a reaction and it's courage you must have to overcome. Oftentimes when you think you have the courage to quell out the fear it comes up in a different form. It's a battle that rages on with every day.

It's because of this vulnerability that insecurities, flaws, and difficult emotions sweep in making you question, second guess, think, and overthink every word, every thought, and every action. They force you to fight a devil within. Internal insecurities and flaws that no one else would even notice begin to manifest their way externally causing more problems of their own.

And with all of this, everything you learn about yourself all at once, it's hard to find a balance. It's hard to take it all in. It's nearly impossible to stay sane. When you work through one, another creeps up and it's a vicious cycle that doesn't seem to end. These discoveries, fears, and joyous moments course through your mind a hundred miles an hour making sleep an illusion until it just finally wins out.

Self discovery is good. It's vital to continue to grow and become the person you have the full potential to be. But no one ever said it was easy and it never, ever stops. You must take the good with the bad, they come hand in hand, and find the balance you need to make things work. Through the difficult discoveries you'll eventually see the light and suddenly things will fall into place. You'll understand the picture as a whole and things will start to make sense. One day, through all this discovery It will be easier to make peace with yourself. It's the "getting there" part that's so hard.

Independence Day 2014

Happy Independence Day from my hometown to yours :) 

This year we were lucky enough to view fireworks without having to travel and had them right here in my hometown in "Small Town USA". They put on a spectacular display set to music that lasted 40-45 minutes. They did such a good job and it makes me pretty excited to see what they will come up with next year!

A huge thank you goes to those who volunteered, donated funds, and put in countless hours to make not only the fireworks display possible, but to make the 4th of July celebration here a success! 

Taking Stock

This post has been trending on a couple of blogs that I follow, and because I haven't put in any effort to continue blogging, I thought I'd join in on something simple and straight forward as I continue to try and muster up the motivation to sit down and blog regularly again. I still have my doubts that that will ever become reality....

Making: wreaths
Cooking: pepperoni pizza for dinner
Drinking: powerade
Reading: The Hunger Games
Wanting: this part time job opportunity to come through
Looking: like I just woke up
Playing: 2048 over and over again
Wasting: time in the day
Sewing: curtains. I haven't started yet, but it's on the to-do list
Wishing: there were 2-3 more days to relax
Enjoying: my weekend
Waiting: to go see The Fault In Our Stars with my sister
Liking: cuddling up to a movie with a pretty neat guy
Wondering: how my life ever came back together and how I've become so lucky after being dealt such a shitty hand
Loving: the amount of rain we've been getting
Hoping: this work week is so much better than last
Marvelling: at the ease of acceptance some people are able to have about the past
Needing: a dining room table and chairs
Smelling: the mouse in my hair
Wearing: summertime clothes
Following: the weather and radar closely
Noticing: the humidity
Knowing: I need to start working out again
Thinking: about my future and where it may lead
Feeling: happier than I have in awhile
Bookmarking: Many different recipes and new hairstyles
Opening: a text msg, snapchat, mail from someone I haven't heard from in a long time
Giggling: almost on a daily basis
Feeling: sleepy, yet content

Society, Beauty, and Body Image, Oh my!

I feel so guilty about posting anything about the want to loose weight or slim down, just because I may not look grossly overweight. Society pushes me to feel guilty for wearing a size small, or if I order a shirt in a medium, stating that it's simply too big. I get ridiculed (as a joke, but it still feels like more than a joke at times) when I'm able to wear stylish skinny jeans or a really cute top that not everyone could pull off.

We are more often than not thinking about this happening only to those who are bigger and over weight. Feeling bad about wearing a large or extra large. Not being able to pull off a skirt or a slim fitting pant. But if you think it only happens to those who weigh more and are bigger... Think again... it happens to petite girls, too.

People tell me all the time, "Gosh I wish I could eat like you and stay so thin." I hear things like, "You're just so thin it's disgusting" and then follow it with a laugh because it's meant as a joke, and as some envy because they wish they could be thin, too. I get told how it must be nice to be so tiny. Comments are made that I shouldn't have to eat a salad for lunch, or eat a healthy lunch because I can certainly eat whatever I want. And then people jokingly (and sometimes seriously) tell me to grab that extra cinnamon roll or piece of cake because I certainly don't have to worry it about it later like they do.

But the fact is, this doesn't come naturally and most of the time I am not this thin. If I am, it's because I'm working my ass off at it, or because I'm really, really sick. In high school I was involved with sports and I was on the dance team. I always always really active. When I was in college I gained a lot of weight. I was nearing 140 pounds at my heaviest and I looked big. I was wearing medium and sometimes large sizes. I wasn't happy with my body. I ate enough calories and fat for 2 or 3 people because of Spencer, I hardly exercised. After he died it was a hard cycle to break. But then just last year I got terrifyingly sick. I dropped weight like it was nothing, going from 135-140 pounds to a measly 111 pounds in just a couple of months. I really didn't have much to lose after that.

When I dropped all of the weight I got SO many compliments about how thin I was. I also got told how I needed to gain weight. Fatten up. Some people told me how good I looked. But all I could see was how frail I had become. I had no muscle mass as it all atrophied away. I was just skin and bones and I looked sick, too. I certainly did not like the way that I looked. I wasn't happy with the rapid weight loss. Getting those extra pounds off may have been nice, however it was far too fast. Losing weight that quickly and as a result of being so sick is not the way I wanted it to happen or the way that it should have happened.

It wasn't until I started gaining some of my muscle mass back and filling out a little bit in my face that I started to become happier with the way that I looked. I didn't look quite as frail. I looked thin, but healthy. I was able to wear clothes and sizes that I haven't been able to wear in many, many years. I was pretty happy with the way things were going.

But when you loose weight so quickly as a result of not being able to eat more than 100-200 calories a day (if I was lucky, and man do I wish I was exaggerating), you gain it back very quickly too. For about a year I gained back a healthy amount of weight. I was able to eat fairly big portions, and I really didn't have to worry about what I ate because my body was still burning off things very quickly as it was still internally fighting against itself burning off a lot of calories and fat. I was weighing in at around 120-125, right where I wanted to be and felt comfortable at. My muscle had come back as well.

But lately I have continued to gain back the weight. I'm healthy now and my body is not fighting against itself as it was when I was sick. It's not taking near the amount of effort to get up in the morning, shower, sit up straight, even breathe. So the amount that I became accustomed to eating to gain my strength and stamina back when I was recovering and on the way to remission is now too much for my body to burn off. And so I'm becoming a little bit bigger around the middle. My face is a little more full than I'd like it to be. I just feel bloated all of the time, my clothes are getting a tad bit tighter and not looking as good as they did at the end of last year, and, once again, I'm definitely feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Just 5 months ago I was feeling so, so confident. My self image soared. But now it is plummeting again as I'm having to try to figure out what I need to do differently to stave off this unwanted weight gain.

And now that I'm gaining weight again, it's been a little bit harder to accept then it was when I started college and gained the infamous "freshman 15" or 20....

When I was engaged/married and at my heaviest, while it bothered me, it didn't bother me as much as it does now. Spencer made a constant effort to always tell me that I was beautiful. I don't know if a day passed that I didn't hear, in some form, him compliment me and sincerely tell me how beautiful I was, even if I felt like I was looking my worse with no make-up on. That man made me feel beautiful and comfortable in my own skin. Inside and out. As comfortable as I could be. Do you realize how long it's been since I have heard those three words?

You look beautiful. You are beautiful.

Well sadly it's been years since I can recall hearing those words said to my face. I have heard that I am pretty, or that I'm cute, or I look good. But there is something about the word "beautiful" that just really stands out in my mind and leaves a lasting impression on me. Those are words I long to hear. And I know it doesn't really matter if it's from a girl, boy, parents, man, or woman... I'd feel flattered to hear it from anyone. But wouldn't it boost your confidence, too, to hear it specifically from a man? Thought so. It'd just be nice to hear.

I don't have that constant reminder that Spencer always gave me without even thinking about it and it makes it a little bit harder to look at myself in a positive light. To understand that I am beautiful inside AND out no matter how I look.. how much I weigh. How many stretch marks I have. And the list goes on.

I know, most people who look at me may not notice it. You may be sitting there reading this thinking, "She doesn't look big at all! She doesn't need to loose any weight or slim down!" It's been a subtle gain.  But enough that I have noticed. I'm not saying I'm "fat" per say, but I am just not looking how I want to look. Just because I am not very overweight doesn't mean that I don't have any pounds or fat to loose. It's my goal to not only look how I want to look, but also be healthy and feel healthy. A goal that I'm not quite reaching right now as I know that I am not eating very healthy at all, and I feel like I could exercise a lot more to benefit me in so many different ways.

But why do I feel so small when I mention anything about weight loss or slimming down? Why do people feel the need to comment? I just really hate hearing comments such as, "Are you kidding me?! You're so skinny. YOU need to work out more and eat better?" Hinting at the fact that in their eyes they obviously need it more than I do. So, you're telling me that for some reason I can't? Or it is somehow wrong for me to want to slim down a little bit? I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. And that's OKAY. There isn't anything wrong with that. Please, please don't make me feel bad about it.

It's just really frustrating.

I don't know about you, but I think those of us living with chronic illnesses that cause extreme weight fluctuations tend to be quite self conscious of our bodies. Not only how much we weigh, but the extra fat we gain when we're finally able to eat 3 full meals a day vs. the one Ensure a day that we force ourselves to drink when we're sick. Or when we have to take 60mg of prednisone that makes us balloon up like a chipmunk or whale. We are terribly self conscious of the stretch marks that we develop all over our bodies, thighs, knees, stomach, chest, back, sometimes even chin because of the drastic weight gains and losses over such a short amount of time spanning from weeks to months. We become self conscious of the horrible acne we continue to have even in our adult years. The self consciousness extends when we notice that our hair is thinning and falling out due to medications and malnourishment. These extreme body changes ruin our self image, and in my case it happened at a very young age. It started when I was only 11 - a pre-teen not even in junior high.

I battled major weight changes back and forth all through jr. high and high school. When you're becoming aware of the other girls bodies and the changes that is happening is when mine was changing SO much more than theirs. And in such different ways. Despite your efforts not to, you compare. What is different about my body and theirs? At 12 years old I was asking myself why do I have stretch marks and they don't? Why do I have so much acne and they don't? etc etc. It wasn't fair and it still isn't fair. It just ruined my self image and it's something I've always struggled with. I've very rarely been happy with my body.

So I'm at a point right now where I really want to start eating better, becoming more active, and getting to a size, weight, and muscle mass that I'm comfortable with and proud of. I've been taking more walks and doing a little bit more cardio. My biggest hurdle with that is getting into more a routine with it and not skipping out on 2-3 days at a time. Motivation. And I think my biggest hurdle of all, which I know many can relate to, is eating a little bit healthier and having A LOT better portion control. I'm working my best with it, and I'm trying to incorporate things in slowly so I can get used to them one at a time. It's hard not to get discouraged when I make a slip up... but I'm trying my best to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and the more I stick with it, the easier it will get.

Staying as thin as I have been doesn't come easily for me, as everyone seems to think it does. As I mentioned before, it happens because I am extremely sick, or because I put in a hell of a lot of effort.

And this time it will be because I'm working my ass off to achieve the body image that I want to have.

Where I want to be

Throughout Jr. High and HS I always knew that I wanted to be a nurse. There was no doubt in my mind that it was what I wanted to do. Growing up with a chronic illness and being around the hospital setting, I knew that I had a lot of empathy and it would be something that I was good at. 

I went to college and immediately declared nursing as my degree without a second thought. The first year of college was tough. I, admittedly, failed my anatomy class and nearly failed my biology class. It was incredibly discouraging and I shed a lot of tears over it. I my advisor didn't advise me very well in the classes that I took together, and so my course load was very difficult. I also was not used to the university classes, and having classes with hundreds of students was new to me. I was used to getting one on one attention definitely didn't understand the concept of how much studying it took to pull off classes like that. 

But I pursued on, knowing that I had a better grasp of what to expect. I knew I'd have to retake those classes over again, but I wasn't about to give up on being a nurse. My second year of college I took classes like physiology and chemistry, and while I did a lot better, I was still left disappointed in the outcome. Finals killed me and dropped my score quite dramatically. But I didn't fail and I passed with an acceptable grade.

My third year of college I finally started to second guess my major. Was nursing really something that I wanted to continue to pursue? I was beyond frustrated with classes, I wasn't having a fun time, and while I loved learning about it, it just wasn't what I expected it to be. I also doubted my ability to get into nursing school. With taking care of Spence, classes and working, I hardly had time for a social life, yet I was told I still needed to volunteer on the side as well as other things. I found that I excelled in classes like writing, family studies, human development, and decided that I would change my path. 

I was very happy declaring a major to be a child life specialist. It's something I had once before considered doing, but never followed up on. I loved my Child Life Specialist when I was in the hospital as a kid and I knew that it would be something I'd love to do! I started classes for that my third year of college and really enjoyed them. I felt comfortable where I was at.

But then Spencer got incredibly ill which forced me to withdraw from classes and school and spend every second of every day with him (which I wouldn't change for the world!) For a short time after his death I still wanted to continue on with that major. But after researching it and talking to several people about it, I started to second guess my decision, again. Though I don't think it was just about whether I would be happy with that as my career, but my whole life as I knew it and had planned it had been changed in the blink of an eye. A whole new world opened up to me that I never had the possibility of considering before. 

For at least a year after Spencer died I felt completely lost. I didn't know what I wanted to go back to school for. I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to become. My identity died with him. Because before I defined myself as Spencer's wife, his caretaker. That's really all I was. And while I was with Spencer, I was completely okay with that. I was comfortable with it and I didn't WANT to have it any other way. I loved being a wife and it was an honor to love and care for him. But when that part of your life disappears, what are you left with, you know?

Getting involved with lab work was a huge step in the right direction for me. Everything fell into place perfectly and almost a year and a half later I couldn't be happier with the career path that I've been taking. I LOVE working in the lab. It is very fascinating for me. I learn something new every day and things are always different. 

I find that I come home from work nearly every day very satisfied and happy. I love the people I meet and get to work with. I love the challenge of drawing blood, even though there are days where it gets very frustrating. I love the science behind everything that we do. I love being able to put two-and-two together with a patients lab results and discover what is going on. Our work in the lab is vital, and it is rewarding. I feel so good about what I do. It is a huge relief to honestly fit in somewhere so well. I know it is where I belong. To KNOW without a doubt in my mind, that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's always changing and always growing. The opportunities and possibilities with lab work are endless. 

I'm excited to go back to school to become a tech. My supervisor and co-workers have expressed multiple times how much they want me to come back to DCH and be a tech there. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's always nice to be wanted :) I talked with my supervisor the other day during lunch, and while I can't publicly say a few things that made me ecstatic, (I wish I could!!!) I am excited to be able to learn more in the lab! On the slow mornings in the lab where there is little going on and little micro to do, I am going to go back into micro with Karen here and there and do it with her. Learn more about it which I am VERY excited about as microbiology is my favorite! She also said that she'd do some more microscope work with me and that we'd try to get into some manual diffs (counting the cells out through the microscope vs. the analyzer) so I can start being able to identify the different types of cells. :) She already shows me a lot through the microscopes, but half the time I don't really understand what I'm looking at. So I'm looking forward to getting some more experience in the lab before I go back to school. The more I have, the better off I will be! 

But aside from my job, I've done a lot of growing and have discovered a lot about myself. I've finally started to reclaim and shape my identity and while it has been difficult, confusing, and sometimes full of tears, it's been fun creating what kind of woman I am and who I want to be. I've been so happy lately with who I am. I'm still getting comfortable in my own skin and I will always be discovering who I am, but it is nice to have a better idea than I did a year ago. 

I am just honestly so happy. It's been a long time since I've been able to look back at nearly every day with a smile on my face. Since I've been able to honestly say that I love my life. I feel like I now have a lot to look forward to. It may be quite a ways in the distance, but it's there. Tangible, where it wasn't before. 

To know my place in life, what I want to do, who I want to be, and, in general, who I am is a very satisfying thing. 

It's all in a lyric

Have you ever had a moment where a song that you have known and have loved forever suddenly contains so much more depth and meaning that you somehow missed before? That's exactly what happened to me today. This morning as I was driving to work the song My Immortal came on. A couple of lines into the song I could feel the emotion in it. The deep sadness and the pain. It really hit me hard. For the first time my perspective of this song completely changed. I never before really understood the meaning of every single word until now. As the chorus came on, tears welded in my eyes as I related it to my own life.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have, all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

And really there isn't a whole lot more to say because it's all said right here in these lyrics. This song depicts so much emotion. You can hear the pain through her voice and every note. Very powerful, especially to someone who has been through such a deep and emotional loss.