And the doctor saaaays....

I wrote a blog last night about feeling uneasy with the heart palpitations that I've been getting rather frequently and with increased duration.

Today I went to the doctor again to get an antibiotic refill and to address this "episodes". While listening to my heart at rest she said she noticed an extra beat every few beats. She said that she didn't hear a snap this time, but it doesn't mean that it's not there; and last time she heard the snap it was because we were putting a bit of a strain on my heart.

Because she heard the extra beats and because I have noticed things getting a little worse she wanted to run an EKG. I almost expected this and I'm super glad that she did this! After waiting about 15 minutes for her to go over the results, she came back in and told me that I had her mind a thinking, and I always kind of stump her. Of course. We then knew that the EKG showed something!

It's kind of hard for me to explain without going all medical terminology on you all (thank you collage classes and wide medical background!)... but basically every 3 or 4 beats my heart decides to do an extra beat. That extra beat then kind of 'restarts' my heart and controls it. It's a slight problem with the 'electrical system' of my heart that sends a signal that my heart needs an extra beat -- the sinus node (what controls your heart rate; your pacemaker). She explained to me that in patients my age, it's usually a "normal" abnormality and it usually doesn't cause any problems. I'm really glad that this EKG showed something because I knew that something was not right and was just afraid nothing would show up since I wasn't feeling any palpitations. But evidently it's something that's always there, whether I feel it or not. I'm just SUPER curious to see what an EKG would look like when I am having these episodes and when they last 30-45 minutes at a time.

She put me on a low dose beta-blocker for now and said that it should help these episodes that I get. The doc also said that the antibiotics that I am on for my HS have a rare side effect of making these episodes last longer. But it's just a balancing act to get everything right since the abx are actually working for me!

She did tell me that it would be a wise idea to get a heart work-up done so that we can make sure that nothing else is going on and really, exactly what IS going on on a larger scale. So when I get out to Utah and get some kind of insurance to cover me (hopefully I can get medicaid to work, at least temporarily, since I won't have a very high paying job for awhile... fingers crossed, I can't afford anything else... ugh) I will find me a good PCP, pay him/her a visit and see what they want to do about doing a heart work up.

I'm feeling a lot better about this now that I've had an easy test run to look into things further. I'm not completely in a dark. She didn't exactly know what to call it, I guess there are a couple different terms that you can use but she wasn't sure where to classify it. To me, it's a bit frustrating when I don't have an official diagnosis, but I am just going to have to be okay with what I know!

Thanks for the thoughts you guys =) I was having a lot of anxiety about it last night!

Feeling Uneasy

I have been having a lot of anxiety lately about my health. No worries, my Crohn's is doing fine... In fact I've been feeling great with it. But instead it's my heart that I'm concerned about. Not emotionally, but physically. Right now I almost wish I could say that it was my Crohn's disease acting up instead of the other. Because my Crohn's is known. I know how to deal with the pain, the bleeding, the frequent bathroom trips, the extreme fatigue.
But these heart palpitations and flutters are very very much in the unknown category. I went to the doctor a couple of months ago to get some antibiotics for my HS and talk to her about the weird sensations and chest pain that I've been having. I knew that something was not right, but I couldn't exactly place what was going on. Was it something normal that everyone sometimes has? I didn't know.
I have had palpitations for some time, actually for as long as I can remember. Playing sports, just sitting, stretching, turning over in the middle of the night... it's something that's always happened to me. I just never thought anything of it. I always thought it was normal. But until the past year and a half I haven't really noticed them much and haven't payed much attention to them. And never before had I gotten chest pain, either. I started really noticing it after a 2 mile walk. I got some serious chest pain and horrible sensations in my chest. It really concerned me so I slowly walked home, sat down, tried to cool off and check my heart rate. It was elevated -- something I expected. I just figured that maybe I got really overheated and needed some water because after I cooled down and rest a little bit I felt better.

But it kept happening more and more frequently. Usually any kind of activity would set my heart off and sometimes even just resting I would get an 'episode'. My doctor listened to my heart for awhile and she said that she did notice a "snap" at one point, though I didn't feel anything at the time. She told me that it probably wasn't too much to be concerned about right now but she did think that I might have something called Mitral Valve Prolapse (MVP). (you can google it if you want to learn more)


Usually they run tests for it and look to see how severe it is but a lot of times it isn't an issue. The only thing is right now with me is that I don't have health insurance... of course. I said that if it's something that we need to do, then just do it. She wasn't too concerned about it and said that for right now I would probably be okay until I was able to get some insurance. She was hesitant to run any tests because if it turns out to confirm the MVP it would make things 10 times harder to get insurance, and of course my premiums would be higher, etc  My mom and I both agreed with the doctor, but don't even get me started with how WRONG it is that I have to be concerned about getting the proper testing in fear of NOT being able to get insurance later =(( Ugh!

For awhile after seeing my doctor things were okay. It only happened maybe once every week, if that. For awhile I didn't even notice it. But for about 2-3 weeks now it's come back and it's really been bothering me. It seems a lot worse than before. When I have the episodes they last for quite a long time. I have also noticed that if I am upset, excited, angry, or any range of emotions it will happen. I really don't like this. Not only is it super annoying and really bothers me, it makes me SO uneasy that something is wrong. I know that this is not normal  =/

I hate that it is something to do with my heart. Whether there is something I can take for it, or not, I don't like it. I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings towards this... it's hard to put it into words. Some of it relates to having to go through something a little bit scary without Spencer. I know that I have been through a lot in the medical world, but it seems to me like Spencer was always so, so much stronger than I will ever be when it came to a new diagnosis or going through tests. Even if he was internally scared about the unknown, he very rarely let it show. I wish that he could be here for me to talk to about this.

And granted I know that I most likely will never just drop dead from any of this... or even get sick enough to be close to that. But I know how precious life can be. I've seen what can happen. And because we're talking about one of the most vital organs in the body, that's why it makes me a little scared. What if something would go wrong unexpectedly? I don't know if this is an irrational thought or not... I'm just expressing how I feel.

I also am just uneasy about having tests run and either finding out that nothing is wrong at all (then what is the reason for these palpitations and chest pain?!) or finding out that something is in fact wrong. Either way.. I know I'm not going to like the result. -sigh-

I'm probably over thinking this all, like I normally do. But I also don't want to just brush off my feelings as over reacting. That's why I decided to sit down and write it all out.

Going back to the doctor tomorrow for some more antibiotics and I'm going to talk to her about it... see if she can't tell me more of her thoughts on it all. Last time it seemed really rushed because of an ER. =/ I just hope everything goes okay and she can ease my mind!!!!

A ribbon! For me?!

I was just notified that I received my first ever blog award! I am flattered and honored =) Monick over at her blog, Life Alchemy School, came across my blog during the Ultimate Blog Challenge this month, liked what she read, and chose me, and 4 other blogs, to receive this cute little blog ribbon:

In order to accept this fabulous award there are a few catches, of course ;-) But I can't say that I mind because I am so excited about it!

Here are the few rules to make this award official:

Thank the blogger who gave it to you and share the link back to the awarding blog.
Name 5 fabulous moments in your life.
Name 5 things that you love.
Name 5 things you hate.
Pass the award to 5 deserving bloggers.

So here we go! You get to learn a little bit about yours truly!

Thank the blogger who gave it to you and share the link back to the awarding blog.

Monick, thank you so much for presenting me with this award! I am really flattered that you enjoyed my blog enough to consider me for the 5 blogs =) After I was notified of this award I hopped on over to your blog and read several posts. I'm sad to say that I haven't ran across it until now! If you get a chance go on over to Life Alchemy blog, read a little about Monick, and read through her posts. Her topics really drew me in! She has a fantastic view on life and gives very inspiring messages. 

Name 5 fabulous moments in your life.

1) Speaking at the Starlight Children's Foundation annual gala in Los Angeles... twice. The first time with Spencer, and my best friend, Emily.. and the second I was solo but was SO glad to have Emily in the crowd! It was SUCH an honor to be asked to share my message with hundreds of celebrities and to help a Foundation that I am very thankful to have had in my life when I was sick earn much some needed money. Add in that the very first time we were at the gala Spencer proposed to me!

2) When I graduated high school. This was such a special time in my life because of my illness, Crohn's disease. It was a huge struggle getting through all my classes with passing grades because I was sick so often. I had fabulous teachers who worked very hard with me to keep me caught up and understanding each and every subject. Huge milestone for me!

3) The moment that I saw Spencer for the very first time on our wedding day. We did the first look before the ceremony and it was so special and intimate; it was like the entire world stopped spinning for that moment. The look on his face and the love that was radiating from his eyes and smile was something that I will remember for the rest of my life. Certainly a fabulous moment. 

4) The day that Spencer took me to get my kitty, Chloe, from the Humane Society in Utah! We were coming back from classes at SLCC. Spencer begged me to stop by the Humane Society "just to look" at the animals. I was pretty hesitant, but in the end obliged, because I mean really.. who can't resist looking at cute animals! Little did I know that stinker wanted to take me there to find me a kitten. I had been talking for a few weeks how I would love to have an animal of my own and a cat would be perfect for me. He knew that I was taking on SO much with going to school, work, and taking care of him. He was so sweet, and sneaky, about the whole thing! I was so happy that we were going home with a kitten! I'm just so, so sad that she ran away one night. Poor, poor Chloe. 

5) When Spencer and I finally moved into our first real place in March 2011. We had our own space, own rules, own decorations. It was really a beautiful place to live! It was a basement apartment, but it had so much light coming in and so many windows! It was in the foothills of the mountains. Not our ideal city to live in because it was about 45 minutes away from his doctors and the hospital (which he visited very frequently). But it was perfect in every way because it was OURS. <3 

Name 5 things that you love.

1) Food and cooking. Who doesn't love food and funny that this is the very first thing that came to my mind! haha. I especially like italian foods and any kind of sweet, baked goods. MmmmMmmm. I am starting to get back into enjoying cooking more and more. I used to do a ton of it when Spencer was around. It was always my goal to fatten his skinny body up! I like experimenting with different recipes, tweaking them to just the way I like it, and having it turn out perfectly! 

2) I love my family. Of course family is not a "thing", but my family is so, so very special to me and I love them with all of my heart. I would do anything for a family member. 

3) The mountains. The very first trip I made to Utah I was instantly in love with the mountains, or as Spencer always used to say "Nikki's/my/your Mountains" =) They are just so beautiful and being in them is incredibly peaceful. I couldn't think of anywhere else I would want to live right now!!

4) Children. I have a true passion for working with kids. I have had nanny and babysitting jobs for as long as I can remember and I have loved every single one with them. Kids are just so innocent (mostly ;-) and I feel that every child I cross paths with is so special and has such a huge potential in this world. It is always my goal to bring out that potential and help every kid that I work with shine and feel loved.

5) I love photography and crafty things. I may not have a lot of patience for crafting, but I love it none-the-less. I love making something out of nothing and I feel so accomplished when I sit down and actually finish something I've been working so hard on.... especially if it turns out the way that I intended. I don't take too many pictures, but when I have a good camera in my hands I just can't put it down. I enjoy editing photos even more!

Name 5 things you hate.

1) I hate that my family and I have to live so far apart. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on what way you want to look at it) whatever career path I choose to follow, my only opportunity for a job is in the city at a big hospital, most likely a children's hospital. As I mentioned, I very much love my family and they mean the world to me -- it's so hard being 12 hours away from home! On the bright side? I love the city and there's no where else I'd rather be!

2) I hate that I am such, SUCH a planner. Granted yes, It's good for a lot of things, but I tend to WAY over think everything and I worry about every little detail. Especially with this moving business. I am so worried that something isn't going to go according to plan. I run over my 'plans' over, over and over again in my mind and it really keeps me up at night (until 3:30 AM to be exact!!). I wish that I could do more things spontaneously and just relax about it instead of worrying all of the time!

3) Negative attitudes. Yes, I know that everyone has them -- INCLUDING me. But I find that when someone has a foul, negative attitude about just about everything, I really latch on to that attitude and I find myself getting negative, pessimistic, and grumpy about everything. I'm not myself and I dont' have the bubbly personality that everyone tends to enjoy. I understand if there is a reason for the attitude, but when the person can't quite look past it and look at the bright side of things, it really gets me down!

4) I hate that so many of my friends have to suffer. I am so tight knit with a lot of people in the cystic fibrosis community, crohn's community, and with people who have chronic illnesses in general. I think out of all of them, though, cystic fibrosis has been the toughest. I have seen the good, bad, and absolutely ugly that comes along with this disease, with Spencer. It hurts me so much to know that my friends are going through the same thing that my husband went through and that they all have the potential fate that he had. I am a very hands on person and I want to help everyone. I hate the feeling of being helpless because of this monster of a disease! 

5) My procrastination. I have tried time and time again to be on top of everything, but in the end I am just the worlds best procrastinator. I seriously wait until the last moment to get ANYTHING done. I think that I work best under pressure, because that's when I can produce my best work... but man, it's so stressful! I think I might die from a heart attack because of the situations I get myself into because I procrastinate so much. I've tried writing those papers weeks in advance, but it always comes down to the last day, or night, or few hours before it's due... Somehow they always end up turing out just fine, though! 

Pass the award to 5 deserving bloggers.

Oh boy -- this is truly the hard part because I know SOO many deserving bloggers! I've read a lot of great blogs in the Ultimate Blog Challenge that I am a part of this month, and I also know so many wonderful blogs that I have been following for a very long time... So here are my list of 5 deserving blogs:

• Brian's Phirst Blog -- I came across Brian's blog during the UBC and it really touched me. Brian shares the journey of his son who is battling cancer. He writes with a lot of heart and hope.

• I Have CF. So What?! -- I've been following Lauren's blog for quite awhile now. I am always so inspired by the way that she lives her life. She has cystic fibrosis and is also battling what is known to be a very nasty bug that infects CF patients called Burkholdera Cepacia. In her own words her blog is, "about staying positive, defining yourself, and remaining strong..."

• Jenni's Guts -- I discovered Jenni's blog through the Chronicles of Crohnies page on facebook. I find myself completely drawn to her blog time after time! Her blog is about taking a humorous spin on her life with Crohn's disease. Those of us living with the disease know how crappy (pun completely intended ;-), and embarrassing it can be. So nice to read about someone who takes charge of her life and turns everything into humor! 

• New Nostalgia -- I was JUST recommended this blog 2 days ago, and the moment I clicked on her posts I was hooked! "Here you'll find my quest to be present in each moment, learning from yesterday, and simply living each moment in the NEW" She has a variety of different things that she writes about, but what naturally drew me in was the way that she shares her journey with cancer. She writes with a lot of candor that takes a lot of vulnerability to do. 

• Widow's Voice -- This blog has been so helpful to me on my journey of being a widow. "Seven widowed people; seven days of the week; seven unique perspectives; one goal... to tell other widowed people that they are not alone." The emotions that are expressed by each and every one of these writers is so raw and I tend to connect with each of them on a deep level. 

I hope that you all check out these blogs! Definitely worth a read! =) And again -- THANK YOU Monick for the award!

Thankful Thursday

It's been awhile since I've written a "Thankful Thursday" post and so today I figured, why not? Even in the midst of troubles and tribulations there is always something to be thankful for, though often times these things are hard to discover.


My Top 5 Thankful Thursday List

1) I am thankful that William is holding on and is still with us. My good friend Kelly's husband, William, has been on the list for a double lung/liver transplant for a few months now. Yesterday he took a turn for the worse and went unconscious. His Co2 levels and Ph levels were quite off and he was placed on a device to help him breathe (Bi-pap machine) Last night he was able to wake up for a couple of minutes, tell Kelly that he loved her, and then went back out. His ammonia levels are so high that it caused him to slip into a coma. There have been a lot of ups and downs today. I am just so thankful that he is still alive -- he's not out of the woods yet so thoughts and prayers are always appreciated.

2) I am thankful that my friend, James, is currently in surgery getting his lung transplant, and that everything is going great!! James goes to the clinic that Spencer went to and I got to know him when Spence was in the ICU. He was so nice to me, talking to me and reassuring me about everything. It meant the WORLD to me when he came to Spencer's funeral to pay his respects. James's brother, Rex, passed away a few years ago waiting on a double lung/liver transplant -- new lungs for James is a huge deal! God Speed, friend -- you're rocking this!!!

3) Thankful for all of this time I've had to spend with my sister before I move. We've spent nearly every moment together and it's memories that are always being made. I'm really going to miss her when I move, and I know she's already dreading me leaving. Love you Shayna =)

4) Really thankful that I know what I'm going to do for at least the short term! I've decided that I'm going to take a Phlebotomy course starting in August. I really didn't want to be a CNA and I think I would really enjoy Phlebotomy after I learn the ins and outs. Hematology has always interested me and I think this is a great stepping stone for any path that I might decide to take if it's in the medical world.

5) Thankful for the house I have lined up in Ogden for the short term until I find a job and a place to live. I really couldn't be more thankful to Emily and Jesse for offering me their place while they are gone. Things are slowly falling into place!!

So what are YOU thankful for today?

20,000 + views

Wow! I am over 20,000 views on my blog and this post marks 300 and I have 68 followers. When I started this blog I never expected to keep up with posting let alone having so many people show interest in my writing and my life. I am so thankful for all of the support that I received through the blog.

I initially started my blog as an outlet for my frustrations, a place to record events of my life, and a place  to write about the things that make me happy. Never did I think I'd write blogs here and there for the sole support of my friends and family through my trials and Spencer's illness and death. I didn't think that I'd get quite the response that I have.
I never intended my words to touch so many people that I have. Through my story. Spencer's story. Our story. And now my journey on my own. It warms my heart when I receive a message or comment from a stranger saying that I have touched their heart and have inspired them. Through this blog I know without a doubt that I have touched more lives than one without even trying. My favorite quote is this:

"To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friends, thank you so much for sticking with me through thick and thin. You've hung around through my many rants and vents. Through my struggles and the lowest points of my life. You've been here for me through the most important and special moments of my life. Through my successes and triumphs. It's so nice to know that I have an army of people behind me, supporting me through whatever decisions that I might make. 

I very much appreciate those of you who have "followed" my blog through the side bar to the right ---> and those of you who take a few moments to comment on my blogs. I know that I don't often leave replies, but know that I read and love every single comment that I receive. I'm trying to get better at my replies!

So to wrap this up -- I just want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart =)

The Spencer that lives on in my Heart

Today I don't cry because I'm sad, angry, or hurt. Today I cry because I am reminded of the incredible man that you were and how proud I am of you and the life that you made for yourself. I am remembering the special place that you held in hundreds, and maybe even thousands, of peoples hearts during your short life here on Earth.

Knowing that you touched so many people and brought joy and inspiration to hundreds of family, friends, and even strangers who read your story online, it is a great honor to be able to say that I knew you, let alone that you chose me to be your wife, caregiver, and biggest supporter. I got a privilege of a lifetime when you to let me into your life, first as a friend and then as a spouse, even though you knew the hundreds of different outcomes that could have transpired both early on in our relationship, and later when you grew to be old. I am so glad that it was me who got to know you, love you, and create bond with you on such a deep and intimate level. I feel like very few people share the bond and love that we had, my sweet Spencer. We were so lucky. So lucky. This kind of love doesn't come around often. It takes two very special individuals to create something to strong. We shared a bond that even to this day remains so incredibly strong when our time shared together was so, so little. Even your vows said to me that we have "a love so strong that even the hand of death will only part us for a moment." It is a good reminder that even though this time without you feels like forever already, this is truly only a moment without you when compared with an eternity with you.

In that week leading up to your death, when we knew for a fact that it was immanent, I was overwhelmed to the point where I was numbed with the hundreds of people who sent cards to you, e-mails to you, messages to you, and people who came to the hospital to show their support and love to you. These simple acts of kindness and devotion that were shown to you live on and touch me to this day; 7 months later. They remind me of your sweet spirit and the joy and inspiration that you infected people with through your story, your kind words, your handshake, and even just your smile.

I find a Christmas card and remember the ongoing efforts of friends, family, and strangers to shower us with as many care packages and cards to make our Christmas season filled with love and joy. 

I find a link to event that I made on Facebook to gather hundreds of prayer warriors for you. I'm reminded of the many people who prayed and fasted for you to help keep you comfortable and spent hours praying that a miracle would happen to keep you alive and well so that we could spend our first Christmas together as husband and wife. 

I find the wall decorations that friends took the time to make and send to you so that your hospital room could be bright and cheery to lift your mood. 

I find "thinking of you" cards and sympathy cards sent to both you and I from my close family members and my close friends who may have not even met you. They touch me so deeply that I cannot help but shed tears because even though they only met you once or twice,  or even not at all, the impact that you clearly made on them in the message that they tried to convey is beyond something that I can even fathom. 

And then I find what I have called the "Spencer Book". The book with over 180 messages sent to you through your hospital e-mail that the staff was so kind to print out and give to me in a little book. These messages were sent in the short time of only 3 days. I think there are 188 messages in all, to be exact and this doesn't even include the personal e-mails, voicemails, texts, cards, and messages that I alone received and was asked to read to you. I read as many of these messages as I possibly could to you -- when you were asleep and awake. It was important to me and to others that you heard all of them. 

And it's the messages such as this that touch me the most:

The messages from strangers who live thousands of miles away yet heard of your story and were touched

((Inset picture of message from guy from a different country))

Or messages from dear friends who got to know you and were touched by the man that you were:

((Insert picture of message from Josh Mogren))

These are only two out of 188 of those messages. Each one of them reads similar, yet different from the other.

I read these and wonder how on Earth I got so lucky to be married to such an amazing man as you. Spencer you made me so proud, in more ways than one.

I am proud of your determination to fight through your many, many struggles and adversities that you faced every single day.

I am proud of your strength to support me even when you were sick.

I am proud of the way you held on as long as you possibly could

I am proud of the man that you grew to be

I am proud of you for the husband that you were to me

I am proud of the way you let no one judge you

I am proud of the way that you stood up for yourself, always

I am proud of the compassion that you gave to others

I am proud of you putting everyone else before yourself because of their importance to you -- you always let them know they were loved

I am proud of you for not giving up on me and standing by my side; of being my biggest supporter

I am proud of you for not giving up on YOU even though there were so many times that you wanted to

Spence, I'm just proud. Period. And I hope that you were proud of me, and you continue to be proud of the journey that I travel and all of the choices that I have made and will continue to make. If it's one that that I want to do for YOU -- it is to make you proud. 

I am sure that there are many variations of peoples accounts of the kind of person you were…. but this is the Spencer that lives on in my heart. <3 This is the Spencer that I will never, ever forget.

Missing you and loving you every second of every day my Pea, my love, my confidant, and my hero. 

-Your NikkiPea

My List for Some Accountability!

I am officially able to count down the number of days until I leave for Utah. Yup! I finally set an official moving* date
[*Moving, meaning me going out to Utah and finding a job and place to live. After that happens my parents will officially move all of my belongings there]
After some discussion with my mom about when I want to leave, per her request, I'm leaving AFTER this weekend and will be headed out Monday, July 23rd. She wanted work to keep her busy the day that I leave so she won't be so sad and worried. As I've mentioned before, she really doesn't want me to leave!
I am happy and very relieved to say that I have a temporary house all lined up in Ogden thanks to some amazing friends that I met while Spencer was in ICU. I'll be taking the necessities down there and kind of roughing it for how ever long it takes to get on track! I plan to send in some job applications the middle to end of this week and I'm crossing my fingers and praying like mad that I get called for an interview! [If you know of any places hiring in Utah, PLEASE let me know!!!] Once I land a job, which hopefully won't take much longer than a couple of weeks, I will be looking for a place to live. Well probably I will start looking before that, but I'll get serious about it after a job comes through. I'm hoping that tons of places will pop up when I am looking! Need something fairly cheap so I can support myself and pay off my school debt so I can go back to school asap!

I'm pretty excited about all of this! I thought maybe if I announce when I am officially leaving it might seem a bit more real to me. I'm having a hard time getting motivated to pack. My wonderful mother has helped me out a TON so far, but I hope I can do nearly all of it this week since I no longer work.

I am trying not to be naive to the fact that this move and the adjustment period (which could be several weeks to many, many months! Most likely the latter) is going to be rough. Sure it's going to be exciting since I'm actually doing something and continuing on this journey, but there are going to be A LOT of emotions that are going to surface, especially since September is quickly approaching and those memories are going to be re-lived all over again. Trying to prepare myself as much as I can, but a person can only do so much!

Because I know it's going to be rather difficult for me and I really don't want to fall into a depression, I have decided that trying to keep busy for the first few months I'm there will be a good thing for me. The days that I miss Spence most and when I do the most thinking is on days where I don't have much to do. Trying to solve that problem and I'm attempting to give myself a few things to look forward to!

I find that sometimes writing out what I would like to accomplish is a very positive thing for me to do. This time I'm going to make it public so that I have some accountability on the things I want to do. Whether people ask me about them or just a personal thing of wanting to follow up on these events, I think it will be a good push for me to get out of the house and have some fun. Rediscover myself and do the things that I've ALWAYS wanted to do. Some of these things are coming up soon, and others won't happen for awhile -- but I've got to start somewhere! =)

Here is my list, so far. If you know of any happenings, let me know!
1) Walk in the Fafard 5K -- A fundraiser for Camp Kesem will take place on July 28th and they are honoring a facebook friends late husband, Brett Fafard. Brett volunteered hus time at this camp for several years and passed away from cancer. His wife, Laura really reached out to me several times when I was struggling with marrying so young and then again when Spencer was so sick. It's a great cause to walk/run for! This one is actually up in the air since it's the week that I will get to Utah... it just depends. But if anyone wants to join me, I'll be 100% in - PLEASE let me know. It'd be SO much better with a friend!

2) Visit Spencer's Grave -- While down in Provo for the Fafard 5K, (or any other time soon) I want to stop by the Orem cemetery on my way home and visit Spence. It's long overdue! Hopefully it'll be a beautiful day and I can bring a book or something. It's always SO peaceful there. Of course if any of my close friends or in-laws (Merry, Mike, Christine, Kristin?!) who like reminiscing want to come with me, again, you're very much welcome -- I'd appreciate it!

3) Participate in the Dash For Donation 2012 -- A girl whom I know from ASUU received her second kidney transplant 4 months ago and is running in a 5K to promote organ donation on August 11th. I think it would be fun to go to this walk/run and show my support. It's a very short time to train to actually run it, but what the heck. I can always walk ;-)

4) A Capella Stock 2012 -- I am SO excited for this! I went last year all by myself and it is AMAZING and so, so much fun, even though I was by myself. I just bought tickets for this year for the "middle" (blue) section, $20.00. If you can come I'd LOVE you to join me! It's August 25th in Ogden. It's worth it, promise!

5) Train Concert -- I am going to see Train in Concert in September. It'll be my first real concert. I'm pretty excited to be going with my two best friends, Christine and Adam!

6) Going to the Farmers Market with my great friend, Malina! We started this tradition last summer and really enjoyed getting to know each other better and keep each other company. It was a bummer Spencer never got to join us. But I'm excited to keep the tradition alive this year and go every week or so to get some fresh produce.

7) Many game nights with Adam and Christine -- of course! And not only game nights but tons of adventures with Christine =)

8) Going to the gym/pool at least 4 days a week. I hope to get a pass to 24 Hr fitness in Sugarhouse (well it all depends where I live) so that I can use the pool. It's only $20.00 a month!

9) Go to temple square during Christmas time to see the lights for the first time ever. I was always waiting on Spencer to take me, something he always wanted to do, but we were never able to go (dang hospital and illness >.<)

10) Go to Festival Of Trees again which benefits Primary Children's Medical Center... and in all hopes have a tree for Spencer. He ALWAYS gave to PCMC and I would like to honor him with a tree. I'm going to have to look into this but hopefully it can be a reality! I went for the first time last year with Adam and Christine and it was very cool. It was nice to get out of the hospital =) Sad that Spence couldn't come, of course.

11) Have a wonderful birthday. I know it will be my first birthday without Spencer, but I always hear of so many people celebrating their birthdays and having a ton of fun. I've never really had that. My 16th birthday I was literally snowed in. 17th birthday was pretty fun.. but after that I did a whole lot of nothing. My 21st birthday consisted of sitting around my house sad because I just lost Spence. So this year -- I want to do something really memorable and so, so much fun.

That's all I got for now! I hope to add to it frequently and post updates about my adventures! I'm sure much more will come up! Talking and thinking about all that I will get the opportunity to do is so exciting for me and definitely makes me very ready to be out there. But at the same time it's a little hard to think about because I know I'm going to be doing this all without Spencer. If I don't get friends to participate with me, it will be all by myself. So again -- if anyone is interested in joining me on any of these things let me know! I don't have a TON of friends in Utah, so I hope to make lots of new ones along the way to come with me and create new memories! =)