Beginnings and Ends

I've had a lot of "ends" in my life, some much more painful than others. There have been more ends than I care to admit. Some have been near the impossible end of the spectrum leaving me empty, completely lost, vulnerable, and devastated. Ones I never thought I could recover from.

Others have been bitter, filled with anger and/or regret that mostly stems from hurt in one way or another. They are the ends that don't seem to have a finality to them... Ones that leave lingering emotions that sneak up from time to time through songs, dates, foods, and smells. The only thing to quell them is letting go and accepting unresolved ends.

There are also the ends that have brought about relief and peace, sometimes happening simultaneously with the ones that are also earth-shattering. Knowing that it's for the best. When it's expected. Knowing the time is coming for something better, or when the time comes only so another time can happen. It doesn't mean it isn't sad or doesn't hurt, but knowing and accepting in advance is the comfort.

Most ends have left me with a broken heart on a scale of a tear or two shed to nearly a couple of pieces beyond repair. But even with a deeply shattered heart, there are always those two pieces held into place, seemingly glued there after so many endings, somehow holding on screaming "Everything will be okay." With time the pieces are at work slowly mending, healing, and reshaping. And that's the beautiful thing. When the world is crashing down, inside the jigsaw puzzle of the heart is working to prepare you for what is to come and allowing you to grow and blossom through deep sorrow.

But with each and every end has always come a beautiful beginning with endless opportunities. Some beginnings are dreamed of. Others hoped for. When they come is a mystery and at times it seems like they are years away as I'm waiting here for another door to open, silently questioning and pleading for the reason behind the hurt. Beginnings have also snuck up quickly and very unexpectedly and at times I look at the closed door for too long and miss the one that's been opened. So many missed opportunities while not quietly letting old ones go.

I've quickly learned (but not as quickly as I would have liked) to be open to new beginnings. To be accepting of changed plans and a different slant on my future. I think that's an exciting part of my life right now. I've constantly been given these new beginnings but rarely have I fully embraced them. I've been muddled down with hurt, grief, and at times immeasurable pain. But being in such a good place in my life compared to where I have been in the past and with so much growth and discovery, it's been easier to allow myself to open up to the changes and beginnings that are presented to me.

I'm living in a beginning right now and the choices and opportunities I have ahead of me are at my discretion. Endless. Obstacles form a wall ahead, they always will, however with working through everything I already have, I know it's possible. It's the patience I have to have that gets in the way. But I know that I'm currently in that in-between point in my life. I'm not completely tied down to anything or anywhere. I'm not going to school and so when I go back, my choices are endless, as I am forced to move anyway. My job is fairly versatile and chances are good I can find something similar, or even better, if I choose to relocate. The thought of being able to pack up and go to any place I so choose is exhilarating, but terrifying at the same time.

Starting over is always a challenge and intimidating, but it's an adventure. And it's an adventure I'm so ready to tackle when the time arrises.

New beginnings? A fresh start.

Vague Discoveries

Nearly every trial and tribulation, life event, relationship, fight, and success in our lives makes us learn something about ourselves. Sometimes it's discovery of the strength we harbor when we feel we have none. Other times it's deep seated fears we never knew existed, preventing us from achieving goals and fulfilling our dreams. Every once in awhile we discover love and compassion for another being we thought incapable of our love before.

Life has a way of throwing us lessons and discoveries when we feel we're least able to handle them. When we're feeling most vulnerable we're struck with doubts, fears, and hopelessness we're forced to work through stressing our boundaries and relationships. But only life knows this is the prime time to test us because any other time we'd be forced to push these thoughts to the side. Ignore them for a "better" time, oftentimes forgetting about them altogether.

There are moments where you unveil a different kind of vulnerability that lies within. A vulnerability that is absolutely terrifying. It encompasses the good and the bad all at one time. Excitement pulses through your veins at the realization that this type of vulnerability is possible in your life once again. The ability to let down your walls and inhibitions to let another person in.

This vulnerability allows you to uncover both good and bad during these times. The good that makes you feel incredibly happy and filled with joy. Thoughts that make reality seem just slightly better than dreams. It fills you with the drive to wake up in the mornings, leaves you with a smile you can't quite wipe off your face. But then because you have suddenly let down those walls and inhibitions there are things that flood you with sorrow, sadness, and fear, making you cry what seems like your last tear.

You find fears, sometimes paralyzing fears, that have the power to destroy if you let them have the best of you. Fears you didn't even know you needed to work through. Life finds these opportune times to throw it at you, making you dig deep and push forward, trying not to push those around you out. Sometimes these fears are the most difficult to work through, because fear is a reaction and it's courage you must have to overcome. Oftentimes when you think you have the courage to quell out the fear it comes up in a different form. It's a battle that rages on with every day.

It's because of this vulnerability that insecurities, flaws, and difficult emotions sweep in making you question, second guess, think, and overthink every word, every thought, and every action. They force you to fight a devil within. Internal insecurities and flaws that no one else would even notice begin to manifest their way externally causing more problems of their own.

And with all of this, everything you learn about yourself all at once, it's hard to find a balance. It's hard to take it all in. It's nearly impossible to stay sane. When you work through one, another creeps up and it's a vicious cycle that doesn't seem to end. These discoveries, fears, and joyous moments course through your mind a hundred miles an hour making sleep an illusion until it just finally wins out.

Self discovery is good. It's vital to continue to grow and become the person you have the full potential to be. But no one ever said it was easy and it never, ever stops. You must take the good with the bad, they come hand in hand, and find the balance you need to make things work. Through the difficult discoveries you'll eventually see the light and suddenly things will fall into place. You'll understand the picture as a whole and things will start to make sense. One day, through all this discovery It will be easier to make peace with yourself. It's the "getting there" part that's so hard.

Independence Day 2014

Happy Independence Day from my hometown to yours :) 

This year we were lucky enough to view fireworks without having to travel and had them right here in my hometown in "Small Town USA". They put on a spectacular display set to music that lasted 40-45 minutes. They did such a good job and it makes me pretty excited to see what they will come up with next year!

A huge thank you goes to those who volunteered, donated funds, and put in countless hours to make not only the fireworks display possible, but to make the 4th of July celebration here a success!